Real Social Skills – Page 60 – Real Social Skills

Something about privilege

April 20, 2013June 20, 2021 Real Social Skills

Some people have way more power over others than they should.

Having too much power over another person is always harmful to that person. Even if you’re good. Even if you’d never intentionally misuse it.

Sometimes this plays out between groups. For instance, if you’re white, you virtually always have a kind of power over people who aren’t that no one should ever have over another human being. That’s not always the most important power dynamic in a given interaction, because real situations are complicated and there are a lot of different privileges (as well as power dynamics that aren’t reducible to privilege). But it’s still always *there*. (Some other dynamics that are also always there: male/not male, cisgendered/trans*, disabled/not disabled, intellectually disabled/not, poor/not poor. These are examples. It is not an exhaustive list. There are many dynamics like this, and many of them have not yet been named.)

And the power dynamic is long-term, it’s been that way for generations. And there are deep-running wounds that are going to take many generations of concerted effort to heal. You can’t make that go away by your good intentions.

You can be good to others; you can and should learn how to treat people well. But you can’t, on your own, fully undo the power dynamic and the harm it does. And part of the way to be good to people involves understanding the position you’re in, and being aware of the power you have and the obligations being in that position creates.

If you ignore the power you have, or pretend you can make it go away by being a good person, you will harm people in ways you could otherwise avoid. (One instance of this is constantly talking about how you’re checking your privilege – it doesn’t actually work that way. That tends to turn into flaunting unjust power, even when it’s done with the best of intentions.)

If you want people to treat people right, you have to understand and be willing to face the consequences of the power you have.

Name changes for private reasons

April 19, 2013June 21, 2021 Real Social Skills

lunethefool asked realsocialskills:

…TW for CSA, abuse: I was sexually abused by my mother for years when I was a kid. She named me after her illicit lover, and I kind of hate that sometimes because that’s how she treated me too. I want to change my name, at least socially if not legally, but I don’t know how to explain the change. I’m not comfortable telling everyone the truth.

First and foremost, you don’t owe people an explanation, and you don’t have to offer one. Some people will want to ask invasive questions, but you don’t have to answer.

In my experience (as someone who’s been through a couple of name changes), people are usually much more curious about your new name than they are about your reasons for changing it. For that reason, I would suggest that you consider picking a new name that is *not* symbolically related to the abuse you experienced, or to anything else painful. I find it much more comfortable to deal with discussing my name now that I’ve changed it to something easily explained without reference to any of my painful reasons for changing it.

Also, if you coin a new word to name yourself, it will sound ethnic to people who treat folks outside their group as self-narrating zoo exhibits, and they will ask you invasive questions about your background. You might decide that’s ok with you, but it’s something to be aware of. I wasn’t really prepared for how draining that was when I had that kind of name.

If you choose a name that sounds like a hippie name, people will ask you if you had hippie parents. If you’re changing your name because of parental abuse, this might be worth avoiding.

A friend of mine once suggested this script for a man who wanted to change his name legally:

Why do you want to change your name?
“For spiritual reasons.”
What are they?
“I can’t really tell you much about that.”

This worked well for him in court. It might also work well interpersonally. I’m not sure. What works for me is to have a very short explanation, and not offer further details.

Some possibilities:

I go by x now.
I actually go by x now.
I’m changing my name to x in honor of my grandfather.
I’ve decided to go by my middle name.
I’m using my religious name now (actual religious names have specific words used to refer to them, but I don’t know what they’re called for very many religions).
I wanted to reconnect with my heritage, so I’m going by x now.

If you want people to stay out of it, don’t give them a way into it. It’s probably better not to tell them that you have painful history with your original name, because some people will take that as an invitation to evaluate your decision. The only way to win that game is not to play. You don’t have to discuss it with anyone. I don’t discuss my names with very many people. Push come to shove, all they really need to know is what name you prefer to be called by.

Dealing with authority figures who make you really anxious or uncomfortable

April 18, 2013June 21, 2021 Real Social Skills

kazahayakudo asked:

…Do you have any advice for dealing with authority figures who make you really anxious or uncomfortable? My math professor yells really loudly and is really angry almost every class, and it startles and upsets me into not being able to listen to his lecture because I feel scared, but I’m not in a position to ask him to lower his voice. Should I email one of his superiors? I am not sure what to do.

I haven’t found a way to complain to superiors that helps; when I’ve tried it’s usually made things worse. This is not to say that it can’t be done – but I don’t know how, so I can’t tell you how.

The only thing I’ve found that works well is to avoid authority figures who act like that. When I’ve been in school I’ve, as much as possible, selected classes largely on the basis of who was teaching them. I make this a priority because I know that I can learn better from people who treat me well.

I understand that this is not always possible (although, keeping in mind that it’s ok to make it a priority makes it more possible than it might seem if you haven’t approached it that way before).

When it’s not possible to avoid bad authority figures, what I do is avoid interacting with the problematic person as much as possible. In particular, I avoid depending on them. If I need help, I ask someone else. If I can’t understand their lecture, I try to learn out of the book. (Likewise at work. If I have a boss who treats me poorly and obstructs my work, I try to avoid relying on them to get things done.)

That sometimes works. Not always.

One suggestion for your particular situation – might earplugs or headphones be an option to reduce the intrusiveness of his loud voice?

Creating personal space by moving away

April 17, 2013June 21, 2021 Real Social Skills

orima-kazooie asked realsocialskills:

…Perhaps it’s not the most subtle or polite but jerking or yanking your arm away or like just kind of jumping a little immediately as if it were reflexive can generally get the message across without upsetting people.

That’s interesting. I’m not sure how I’d do that, because I’m not sure what reads as a reflex to most people. But it sounds like a really good idea.

Don’t hang your legitimacy on ideology

April 14, 2013June 20, 2021 Real Social Skills

This dynamic happens a lot with autistic or otherwise socially-marginalized people:

You’re not treated as fully real, for your whole life
And you don’t even realize it, because it’s pervasive. You don’t know that it’s possible to be treated as real. You don’t know this isn’t normal.

And then you discover a group of people who seem to approve of you

They’re an ideological group, and they approve of anyone who shares their ideology
And their ideology seems plausible, or valuable, or good
And it has some concepts that allow you to understand things you never understood before
And you adopt the ideology
You’re accepted into the group. In a way you’ve never been accepted before.
And they treat you more like a real person than anyone else has before
And you yourself *feel* more real than you ever felt before

And so you throw yourself into the ideology

Passionately, completely, and sincerely
And you care deeply about understanding it, and using the concepts, and doing good and right
And so you work really hard
And then, eventually, this pulls you away from the ideology
Because you learn something, or notice something, that the ideology doesn’t cover
And that makes you a heretic
And you lose your standing in the group

And then they stop treating you as real. And then you wonder if you are real, if maybe you’re just not good enough for anything. And then maybe you find another ideological group, and it repeats over and over and over. Because you think the problem is that you just haven’t found the right ideology, and that if you find the right one, it won’t fall apart.

Until you realize that, actually, you were real the whole time. And that groups that only think their members are real people are never going to solve the problem. And that when they treat anyone as non-real, it’s a threat to you, too. Because you have to think everyone is real, because everyone *is* real. And seeing people as unpeople is always destructive.

And then you realize that the world is both better and worse than you thought it was. Worse, because there’s no ideological group that will solve everything, but the awful things the ideological groups notice are often true. Better, because everyone is already real, and genuine respect between people is already possible. Because you don’t have to wait for a revolution to be a person, and neither does anyone else.

Another kind of reply

April 6, 2013June 21, 2021 Real Social Skills

lawlandauror asked realsocialskills:

.There is a sorority at my college who’s charity is Autism Speaks. All their promotional material and events are making me really uncomfortable. I’m not autistic but I am nueroatypical. I don’t want to talk over autistic people, but I also don’t want to stay silent. What can I do in this situation?

A few things I’d say, in addition to signing the pledge and urging others to do so:

I think what you need to bear in mind is that you’re not speaking for autistic people, you’re saying why Autism Awareness is bad. You don’t need to be autistic to understand that. So long as you’re not claiming to speak for others, I think you’re probably ok.

(For instance, don’t say “autistic people don’t like autism speaks!”, say something like “autism speaks doesn’t have any autistic people in positions of leadership and that’s a problem”).

Also, don’t expect any kind of emotional reaction from autistic folks as a result of what you say. Don’t expect autistic people to be grateful, or to be moved that someone is saying something. Sometimes that might happen. But it shouldn’t be the reason you’re speaking up, and it shouldn’t be something you expect. If you’re putting additional emotional pressure on autistic folks, you’re doing it wrong.

And also, Awareness paints a pretty broad brush. Autistic people get the most direct hate this month, but it’s also when people promote a model of neurological disability that’s dangerous for everyone. Feeling personally threatened by that is not appropriative or silencing. If that’s part of what’s going on for you, it’s ok to say so.

Typing is important

April 5, 2013June 20, 2021 Real Social Skills

Some people communicate better by typing than they do with their voices.

Some people need to do both at different times, or even within the same conversation.

Maybe you’re like that. Maybe you could say more things if you used your hands and a keyboard rather than your voice sometimes.

You almost certainly know people who could communicate better if they didn’t always have to speak.

Knowing that this is a thing is important. So is being a safe person for other people to type to if they should.

Something non-autistic folks can do to combat the Autism Awareness mentality

April 4, 2013June 21, 2021 Real Social Skills

lawlandauror asked realsocialskills:

.There is a sorority at my college who’s charity is Autism Speaks. All their promotional material and events are making me really uncomfortable. I’m not autistic but I am nueroatypical. I don’t want to talk over autistic people, but I also don’t want to stay silent. What can I do in this situation?

You can sign this pledge, and urge others to do so (https://www.autismacceptancemonth.com/pledge/):

I pledge to only attend, speak at or otherwise participate in autism panels, conferences and events that meaningfully involve Autistic people. I choose not to give my business or my time to settings that fail to include Autistic voices in conversations about autism.

Terminology question

March 18, 2013June 21, 2021 Real Social Skills

gramireus asked:

Hi! I hope this hasn’t been asked before, and that I’m asking this right, but I was looking for an alternative word for something. I know the word “fronting” isn’t supposed to be used for this, so what word would you use to describe pretending to be neurotypical or not mentally ill?

Mostly I’ve seen people call that “passing”.

As in “Joe learned how to fake NT body language, so he passes for NT a lot of the time.”

Or, “I can’t usually pass, but I can do it for an hour or two when applying for jobs”.

It’s called “covering” if you admit to being other-than-NT, but still do everything you would do in order to appear NT if you were trying to pass.