reader questions – Page 2 – Real Social Skills

Sexuality resources for people with disabilities?

April 25, 2015June 21, 2021 Real Social Skills

A reader asked:

Do you have good sex ed resources written for and about people with disabilities? Bonus if there’s resources for nonverbal people or “low functioning” autistic people (scare quotes intentional, of course). (Also, it’s okay if you can’t fulfill this request entirely. I’m just frustrated that I don’t know where to begin.)

realsocialskills said:

I know a few possibly-useful resources:

The Autistic Self Advocacy Network and Autism NOW published a handbook on relationships and sexuality, written by a variety of autistic authors.

I’ve heard good things about The Ultimate Guide to Sex and Disability: For All of Us Who Live with Disabilities, Chronic Pain, and Illness. (I don’t know whether that book addresses cognitive disability or not; I think it is likely relevant regardless.)

Temple University has a project aimed at providing adult vocabulary for adult AAC users. That project has a relationships and sexuality section, with a list of words that need to be added to AAC devices.

Mayer Johnson (a company that makes a lot of communication symbols) has a symbol set called “Communicating About Sexuality”. I do not know if it’s any good, and I kind of suspect that it might not be, because they describe it as being primarily oriented towards preventing sexual abuse.

This page also has a few symbols relevant to sexuality, but apparently primarily in the context of enabling people to report abuse. Here’s another one with a similar agenda. (Hat tip: PrAACtial AAC.)

I know that Dave Hingsburger does ed classes primarily designed for people with intellectual disabilities, and that he trains people who teach them. I have not seen them directly; I do have reason to believe that they are good. I don’t know how to find out when they are happening.

Open Future Learning has a video module by Dave Hingsburger about sexuality. It’s a resource designed for staff; the website subscription model assumes that an organization is buying a subscription. If you contact them directly, it is also possible to buy an individual subscription.

Diverse City Press publishes expensive DVDs about masturbation, abuse prevention, boundaries, self-esteem, and power. I have not seen them (because I can’t afford to buy them yet), but I’ve heard good things about them from people whose judgement I trust. They also have a couple of good books about abuse prevention that touch on sex ed a little bit (they say, among other things, that it’s abusive to deny people access to knowledge about their bodies, and also abusive to try to prevent them from having consensual sexual relationships).

Short version: There aren’t enough good resources on disability and sexuality. Scroll up for some of the ones I know about. Please send a message if you know of something good.

When a seder is overloading

April 1, 2015June 21, 2021 Real Social Skills

A reader asked this question about Passover:

How do you deal with sensory overload in a situation where you can’t leave?

realsocialskills said:

Based on context, I think you’re probably asking about being overloaded at a large noisy seder.

There might be more options for leaving and taking a break than you might realize. I’m going to discuss those, then some thoughts on how to deal with it if leaving isn’t an option.

Some options for taking breaks:

Helping in the kitchen

At seders, there are often (not always) things going on in the kitchen that people would welcome help with
If you find doing stuff in the kitchen less overloading than being at the table, excusing yourself to go help might be a socially acceptable way to take a break
Some examples of things people might welcome help with:
Cutting vegetables
Serving soup
Bringing out other things
Washing dishes

Playing with the kids:

At a lot of seders, there are little kids who kind of run in and out
If these are kids you know, or they’re related to you, it may be socially acceptable for you to take breaks and play with the kids
This depends on the culture of your family or community; it’s fairly common for it to be socially acceptable, but it’s not universal

Pretending you have to go to the bathroom:

At a long seder, most people will excuse themselves to use the bathroom at least once
If you take a break for about that amount of time, that’s what people will assume you were doing
(You can also actually go to the bathroom even if you don’t need to use it – bathrooms can sometimes be a good place to take a break from sensory overload since people will usually leave you alone for a few minutes if you’re in the bathroom)

Options if you can’t take breaks or taking breaks doesn’t help enough:

Get oriented:

Sometimes sensory overload is caused as much by disorientation as by sensations
One way to become more oriented is to think through in advance what’s likely to happen
If you feel like stuff is more predictable, it’s likely to be less overwhelming and sensory stuff might be easier to manage
If this is a seder you’ve been to before, it might help think about what usually happens. Who will be there? How do they usually act? Who will ask the four questions?
It also might be a good idea to look through the hagaddah. Here’s one online.
If you’re feeling overloaded during the seder, it’s worth considering the possibility that you have become disoriented
If you look through the haggadah, figure out where you are in the seder, and how much is left, it might help you to become more oriented and less overloaded
It may also help to use a visual schedule, which shows you at a glance what to expect and in what order. Here’s one you can print, organized by cup.

Using solid objects to ground yourself:

If you’ve become really overloaded or disoriented, sometimes grabbing hold of something solid can help a lot
If you’re at a seder, the most readily available solid thing is likely to be the table
If there’s someone present you trust who is ok with it, holding someone’s hand can help a lot too in ramping down overload

Sit in a less overloading place in the room:

Sitting on the edge of the room is likely to be less overloading than sitting in the middle
Sitting on the end or near the end of a table is likely to be less overloading than sitting between several people
Sitting near the door is likely to be less overloading (especially if you get overloaded from feeling trapped)
If there are florescent lights in the room, it helps to pay attention to whether one of them is flickering
If you’re already overwhelmed going into the room, you might not notice right away, even though it will bother you later. If flickering lights bother you, it’s worth making a point of checking to see if the light is flickering when you decide where to sit
If the room is likely to be very loud, you might be more comfortable if you use ear plugs. You can get disposable ones for cheap at a pharmacy

Stimming:

Some people can stop overload by moving in certain ways
Most people can at least mitigate it a little
Rocking back and forth can help a lot (and it’s not that weird in a lot of Jewish settings, particularly if there are a lot of religious people present.)
If you have stim toys that usually work for you, it might be a good idea to bring them
If you’re worried about stigma, it might work better to use different things
(That said, if a room is crowded and noisy and overloading, it’s very likely that no one is actually looking at you)
If you wear rings or bracelets, you can play with them
You can also play with the silverware if the seder isn’t extremely formal. You probably won’t be the only one.
You can also stim with the haggadah. (by holding it in your hands, flipping the pages, looking through it, or even reading it.)
If you have a water bottle with a stem you can chew the stem
(You can also eat stuff as a way of getting to chew to reduce overload. If you do that with stuff like celery rather than stuff like chicken it’s less likely to make you uncomfortably full)
You might be able to bring seder-themed stim toys to use, particularly if you bring enough to share. (For instance, if you bring out plastic frogs for the ten plagues, probably no one will think twice about you continuing to play with them)

Participating actively also might help to handle overload:

Sometimes it can be less overloading to participate in something than to be passively present while something is happening
This isn’t true for everyone, but it’s true for a lot of people
For instance, if people are singing loud songs and it’s overloading, you might be more physically comfortable if you sing the songs too
(This doesn’t work for everyone, but it works for some people)
If it’s a big seder and people are going on and on and you’re overloaded, ignoring what’s going on and reading the haggadah might work. (In that setting, you’re probably not going to be the only one doing that.)
Asking questions and arguing might be less overloading than being in the room while other people are doing that

Talking to people might also be an option:

If social anxiety is contributing to overload, having successful conversations might help
Here’s a post about how to have conversations at family gatherings (which is broadly applicable for other settings too)
Here’s a post about how to deal with people who pick fights (post was written for someone who asked about Christmas; it’s also applicable to any holiday gathering)
If you’re a student and you’re going to a communal seder at a college, this post on identifying common interests among students might help

Short version: Passover seders can be really overloading. Scroll up for some ideas about how to deal with that.

Remembering to ask questions

March 18, 2015June 21, 2021 Real Social Skills

Some phrases in academic argument are used to assert that an argument has been successfully been made. If someone’s really good at using them, it can make their arguments feel better than they actually are.

One countermeasure is to learn what those phrases are, and to use them as indications that it’s time to check to see if you agree with their argument.

A few examples of phrases that often work this way:

“It is clear that…”
“We have seen..“
“Now it is evident..”
“It has been demonstrated…”
“It follows from…”
“It goes without saying that…”

If you get into the habit of reading things like this as questions, it becomes much easier to tell what you think the answer is.

eg:

Do you think it’s clear?
Have you seen the point being made? Do you agree with it?
Do you think it’s evident from the evidence the author brought?
Do you think it has been demonstrated?
Do you think it follows from that?
Do you think it goes without saying? Do you think it’s true at all?

Short version: Some rhetorical devices make arguments feel better than they are. Getting into the habit of seeing them as indications that it’s time to ask a question makes it easier to evaluate arguments on their merits.

When others struggle to find words

March 3, 2015June 21, 2021 Real Social Skills

A reader asked:

When other people forget the word they’re trying to say I often just say the word for them. Normally they seem happy to have gotten the word they couldn’t remember but I notice that I seem to be the only one I notice doing this (note: I’m autistic). I was just wondering, is this rude? Is it something I need to stop doing?

realsocialskills said:

Saying the word you think someone forgot is a form of interrupting. It’s usually rude, but not always. (That’s true of interrupting in general. The formal rule is “don’t interrupt people”, but there are a zillion exceptions, including many situations in which it’s rude not to interrupt.)

It’s basically rude to suggest words unless they wanted you to do it. People’s preferences on this vary a lot. For instance:

Some people need time and space to find words when they’re looking for words. Suggesting the word for them can actually make it harder for them to figure out what they wanted to say, especially if you get the word wrong.

Some people get stuck and like other people to help unstick them by suggesting words.

These are just two examples; there are a lot of other reasons people can prefer different approaches.

It’s not always obvious. The best way to find out about someone’s preferences is to ask, preferably when they’re not actively struggling for words, eg: “I’ve noticed that you sometimes have trouble finding words. Would you like me to suggest words when you get stuck, or would you rather wait for you to finish your sentence?“

It’s probably better to err on the side of not suggesting words, because people who are bothered by it are really bothered by it. But for people who find it helpful, it can be a good thing to do. If you can’t tell, it’s good to ask.

A further thing: pretty much nobody likes to be told what they are saying; if you’re suggesting a word, it should be a question, not an answer (you are not a mindreader and sometimes you’re going to get the word wrong).

Eg, if you say it like this, it will probably aggravate the person you’re trying to help:

Them: You know? The thing? The sit thing? With the surface?
You: You’re talking about a chair.

If you say it like this, it’s more likely to be helpful:

Them: You know? The thing? The sit thing? With the surface?
You: A chair?

Short version: Most people who are struggling to find words don’t like to be interrupted with a suggested word. Some people find it helpful. It’s usually best to err on the side of not suggesting words. When in doubt, ask.

Making excuses

February 15, 2015June 21, 2021 Real Social Skills

A reader asked:

Can you explain the concept of excuses? People often get mad at me for “making excuses” when I mess up, but I’m just trying to explain the situation, and maybe diffuse their anger over my mistakes. I’m not trying to transfer the blame to someone else. I don’t understand the problem. Please help.

realsocialskills said:

Short version: You might get better results if you stop thinking of diffusing their anger as a goal.

Longer version:

Making excuses basically means doing something wrong, and attempting to prevent other people from taking it seriously. That can be in many forms:

Claiming that it wasn’t your fault the thing happened (even though it was)
Telling people that you’re not the kind of person who does that kind of thing (data they have is that you just did the thing. They get to decide what they think about that.)
Claiming that the thing wasn’t really a big deal (even though it was)
Stating or implying, through words or actions, that you expect there to be no consequences once you have explained (even consequences like people being annoyed with you)

eg:

Sue: Your dog just destroyed all of my mail. He ripped up my paycheck. This can’t happen again.
Brenda: Oh, I’m sorry, I’m really a responsible pet owner, I never do this kind of thing, it’s just my back was turned for a minute and my dog got out.

This is a bad response because:

Brenda’s dog just destroyed Sue’s mail.
Brenda is trying to make this a conversation about why Sue shouldn’t judge her
Sue has every right to be angry, and every right to have this affect her perception of Brenda

This would be a better approach:

Sue: Your dog just destroyed all of my mail. He ripped up my paycheck. This can’t happen again.
Brenda: I’m so sorry about that. I didn’t realize that the fence had termites, and my dog just ran right through it. We’re replacing the fence, and keeping the dog in while it’s being replaced. Is there a way I can help you fix things with the mail?

Sometimes you will be accused of making excuses when it’s not actually your fault. Eg:

Debra: Why is the logo a dinosaur? I wanted a potato.
Lucy: We discussed this, and you decided to go with the dinosaur. The contract says dinosaur logo.
Debra: You’re just making excuses. Make the logo right.

Or:

Jason: Why did you just call me a pistachio? Is that some sort of weird slur?
Fred: I was offering you a pistachio.
Jason: Don’t make excuses. It’s not ok to insult me like that.

I don’t know of any effective response in that situation. I wish I did.

If you’re talking to people who are basically reasonable, and you actually have made a mistake, this can be a good way to explain without sounding like you’re making excuses:

I’m sorry about this
This is how it happened
Here are the steps I’ll take to make it not happen again
Offering to fix what is fixable

eg:

I’m sorry that my dog ate your homework.
I didn’t know that dogs really did that, so I didn’t take precautions.
From now on, I will keep up the baby gate so he can’t get in to the room you do homework in.
I’m sorry about this – are you going to get in trouble at school? Can I help you recreate it, or would it help if I wrote a note?

An important component of taking responsibility for a mistake is accepting that people are going to have feelings about it, and that an apology isn’t always going to make them go away.

Let people feel the way they do about what you did. Taking responsibility doesn’t mean no one is allowed to still be upset with you, or that they are obligated to believe that you will do better in the future. It means that you’re acknowledging that you made a mistake and that the mistake is important and has consequences. Sometimes people are going to be upset about mistakes you make, and it’s important to learn how to handle that. If you try to use apologies as a cheat code to make them stop being upset, it’s likely to make them more upset.

Conflicting access needs

February 10, 2015June 21, 2021 Real Social Skills

A reader asked:

I communicate best by writing (email, text, etc) and have a hard time with methods of communication that are voice-heavy (Skype calls, phone calls) because I have auditory-processing problems. Several long distance friends do better with auditory communication and worse with writing. But they speak really fast/garbled/quietly, so I can’t understand them sometimes. I end up avoiding them because it’s too frustrating for me to ask them to repeat every sentence, but I don’t want to. Please help?

realsocialskills said:

A couple of options:

Ask them what they think

Is their need to use voice methods of communication on the same level as yours?
Would they be able to use text for you sometimes?

Use typing for repeating:

It might be less frustrating to use Skype than the phone if you make good use of the typing feature
Would it work to use text to ask them to repeat things, and have them repeat it in text rather than voice?
That might make communication easier for both of you

Use something higher quality

If sound quality is making them hard to understand, it might be a problem you can solve
Different video chat services do things differently
It might make sense to try several and see if some are more comprehensible than others
If you can upgrade your internet, it might be worth doing
Getting better headphones might also help
It also might help if they get a better microphone instead of relying on their computer’s internal speakers
If you have access to a landline, sometimes the audio quality is better than on a cell phone

Use an interpreter.

You might be able to use something like Sprint Ip Relay to make TTY calls over the internet.
There’s also a thing called ClearCaptions that’s a captioned phone service that live captions calls. You have to be willing to swear that you’re Deaf, hear of hearing, or otherwise phone disabled. (I think that having auditory processing problems that cause you to avoid using the phone ought to count, but I don’t know if they think that, and I don’t know how much they investigate.)
There are probably other options along these lines that I don’t know about. If anyone knows of good options, please comment or send an ask.

Use emailed videos

Maybe they could email you videos instead of emailing you emails?
Then you could watch them more slowly and repeat stuff
Like video email more than video chat
And then you could maybe respond in the way that’s easiest for you, which might be text

Short version: Keeping in touch with friends can be hard when you have competing access needs for forms of communication over long distances. There are some options. Scroll up for details.

Anyone else want to weigh in? What have you found works for long distance communication between people who find speaking easier and people who find speech difficult to understand?

Disability doesn’t make it ok to be creepy

February 5, 2015June 21, 2021 Real Social Skills

Content warning: This post is about sexual creepiness, sexual assault, and using disability as an excuse to violate boundaries. Proceed with caution.

A reader asked:

How do you call out a disabled person who is saying they should get to do creepy or mean things because of their disability, without being ableist yourself? I know a guy in a wheelchair who will grope and touch women when they sit down next to him, and he has done this to me. And he’ll say things like, “Come on, I’m in a wheelchair.” if you try to move or act uncomfortable. And he says because most women aren’t nice to him, he should get to know a female’s touch.

realsocialskills said:

This guy is using other people’s desire to be good people as a weapon to get away with groping women. That is not something you need to have any tolerance for whatsoever. He’s doing something awful and he knows exactly what he’s doing. He’s violating people and then manipulating them into feeling like bad people for objecting. That’s a horrible thing to do.

And it seems like it’s working, given that you’re concerned that you might be wrong to tell him to stop, or that you might have to be very careful about how you do it.

This dude is groping people and telling them off for objecting. There are absolutely no circumstances under which that is an ok thing to do, and you don’t owe him a pass on it just because he’s marginalized by ableism. That’s the most important thing about this situation. It’s absolutely ok and important to insist that he knock it off.

It’s not ok to grope people. Being lonely doesn’t make it ok to grope people. Being marginalized and desexualized doesn’t make it ok to grope people. People with disabilities are often seen as non-adult and therefore nonsexual, and that’s a horrible thing to experience. That doesn’t mean that others owe them sex, and it doesn’t give them the right to grope people. The only thing that makes it ok to touch another person in a sexual way is consent.

It’s ok to insist that this dude stop groping people even if you have some ableist attitudes towards him (You probably do. Most people, including people with disabilities, have some ableist attitudes, and most people are more ableist towards people they have good reason to dislike.) You don’t have to wait to be perfectly free of all bigotry before you’re allowed to decide who you do and don’t want touching you in a sexual way.

If you want to tell this dude to stop groping people, I think the best way is to just completely refuse to engage with any of the excuses he’s making. The overriding issue here is that he’s violating people in a sexual way. It’s not ok for him to do that, and it’s not ok for him to tell people they’re wronging him by objecting. It’s better not to let him change the subject to ableism when you’re telling him to stop groping people.

I’m sorry you’re having to face this situation. He shouldn’t be acting this way.

When people bait you into fights about controversial issues

January 25, 2015June 21, 2021 Real Social Skills

A reader asked:

People ask me what I think about something or how I feel about something. If my answer is unpopular it makes them upset or angry. I have told people not to ask me questions if they don’t want the answer, but that doesn’t seem to be very effective. I am thinking about ignoring questions that are like that, but I don’t know how well that will work or if people will get upset because I ignore them. So at this point I am at a loss for what to do.

realsocialskills said:

I think this depends on the context. I’m assuming here that you’re talking about unpopular opinions related to social issues, religion, politics, or other things that are about deeply held values. If you’re asking a different question (eg: if people are asking you whether you like their art), this answer probably won’t be helpful. That said:

It’s not always possible to avoid offending people.

There’s a social price to be paid for having unpopular opinions. Sometimes it’s really important to people that you agree with them, and some of them will push the issue until you say something that offends them. (And, depending on the nature of the opinions, people might sometimes be justified in pushing the issue.) If you have strongly held unpopular opinions, it’s probably really important to work on keeping perspective in the face of other people’s anger.

But, not everybody is going to be hell-bent on pushing the issue, and even when they are, it’s still sometimes possible to avoid the conversation:

Sometimes the best thing is to immediately change the subject, eg:

Them: So what do you think of this controversial thing that we always fight about?
You: Let’s not go there. Did you see the game last night?

Some subject-change phrases:

“Did you see (episode of show you both like)?“
“How’s work?”
“How are your kids?“
“Do you think the weather will be good enough to go hiking this weekend?”

You can also sometimes evade the question by deflecting it to something vaguely related, eg:

Them: What do you think of subway strike?
You: The trains are all really broken down and dirty. I’m amazed that Improv Everywhere gets people to take off their pants in those trains every year.

Another possibility: expressing discomfort:

Them: So, what do you think about this controversial thing we always fight about?
You: I’m not really comfortable talking about that.
or: “That’s really personal.“
or: “That’s a bit heavier than I like to get at a party; let’s keep it lighter.”

It can also sometimes work to give them a specific warning that they’re treading into potentially offensive territory (although this can also backfire):

Them: So what do you think of this controversial thing?
You: I think my answer might offend you. Do you really want me to answer that question, or should we talk about something else?
or: “Do you really want to know the answer to that question?“

Another possibility: stating your opinion in a matter-of-fact way and refusing to fight about it:

Sometimes just stating the opinion in a straightforward way will deflect conflict
This doesn’t work with everyone, but it can be really effective with people who are trying to bait you into an emotionally laden fight
It’s sometimes possible to say what you think in a way that makes it clear what you think, and that you’re not interested in fighting about it

I’m not totally sure how to describe how to do this. But, eg:

Them: What do you think of the really popular ballot measure everyone else at this party likes?
You: Actually, I’m against it. I think it’s harmful to people with disabilities.

Sometimes that can even lead to a good conversation. Sometimes it gets them to drop the subject. Sometimes it can lead to an argument (which you might be able to refuse to continue; you don’t have to attend every argument you’re invited to.) It helps a lot if you can take an unapologetic tone that doesn’t sound like you think you’re saying anything objectionable.

Short version: If people try to pick fights with you on controversial issues, there are sometimes ways to deflect them. Scroll up for more details.