If someone doesn’t like you, they aren’t your friend, and you shouldn’t be hanging out with them.
If someone is always telling you why you’re not good enough, they don’t like you.
If someone is always telling you how special it is that they like someone as flawed as you, then they don’t like you.
If someone consistently expresses contempt about you to mutual friends, they don’t like you.
Life is better when you spend your time with nice people who like you.
If you find yourself dreading interaction with someone, you probably don’t like them.
Even if you can think of all kinds of reasons why they are objectively likeable.
Even if you think they’re a good person.
Even if you used to enjoy their company.
Even if your friends like to hang out with that person, and you think that’s a good thing.
You probably don’t like them. And that’s ok. You don’t have to like everyone.
And it’s a lot better if you spend time with people you like, than people you don’t like.
It is dangerous to work for someone who thinks they are doing you a favor by employing you.
Because if they think they are doing you a favor, they won’t think that your work is valuable.
And they won’t treat you like someone who is doing valuable work.
And, often, this means they don’t feel obligated to pay you, or don’t feel obligated to pay you on time.
It also means that they’re likely to think that you owe them something aside from the work you’re paying them for. For instance, they might think you owe them free tech support, or to pick up their dry cleaning, or any number of other time-consuming inappropriate favors.
It’s not always avoidable – if you’re in a difficult place, you might not be in a position to avoid working for people like this. But when you can avoid it, it makes life a lot better – and even when you can’t, understanding what’s going on helps.
Regarding professions and names:
Sometimes people try to figure out how to act by reasoning out rules from first principles, then acting according to the logical implications of those principles, regardless of consequences.
That level of abstraction doesn’t work, because real life is more complicated. It obscures the real situation. You have to start from what’s in front of you.
This is a reason that social skills classes that try to teach atypical people how to be normal by following rigid rules do a lot of harm.
In a lot of situations, it’s useful to stick to a narrow topic.
Sometimes, this is true even where there is a broad range of somewhat related important topics that the narrow topic reminds you of.
It can be tempting to deviate. For instance, a blog about explaining why particular patterns are sexist might be inclined to make a lot of signal boost posts aimed at helping to pass a ballot measure aimed at preventing state university tuition rates from rising. This might seem like a good idea because, for instance, high tuition rates make it harder for single mothers to go back to school and still afford daycare.
And signal boosting is a good thing. A vital thing. But sometimes doing it too much can harm discussions.
Because signal boosting can also drown things out. Things that need to be said. And a topic blog isn’t a personal blog. Staying on topic is important to saying things that need saying, especially when the things are hard to say.
Forums can be like that too. For instance, if you’re running a forum that’s about how to communicate with autistic people, it’s important not to let it devolve into a debate about whether Obamacare is good for autistic folks. That is an important discussion to have, but it’s also important that it not be the only discussion that happens.
Many things that should and must be discussed can’t all be discussed at once, and separating where and when they are discussed can make it possible for them all to be heard and discussed seriously.
I’m really good at telling when people don’t quite think I’m a person, but I’m not quite sure *how* I detect this. I’m trying to figure it out.
A good part of what’s in this post is probably wrong, because this is really hard to get a handle on. And *some* of these things are sometimes the result of other things, like communication problems.
But here’s a draft list of things I think that I detect as signs that someone doesn’t see me as a person:
Thoughts, anyone? Which of these things am I wrong (or right) about? What other signs are there?
I think a good percentage of y’all know exactly what I am talking about, but it’s really hard to pin down.
Some people have topics they are particularly interested in or knowledgable about. Sometimes this is perceived as meaning that they’re potentially open to conversation on that topic with just about anyone who wants to discuss it.
All of this is ok; liking a topic or having expertise that intrigues people doesn’t mean you have to discuss it with everyone who is interested.
Sometimes liking parties is perceived as general openness to going to parties:
All of these things are ok, and liking parties in one form doesn’t mean you have to go to other forms, or that you have to accept all invitations from people you like
These are all things:
These are often conflated, but they shouldn’t be. They are different. It is possible, and ok, to like something but not want it from everyone.
Here is a common example; the next couple of posts will be different common examples
Touch: