Real Social Skills

Response to a question

October 25, 2012June 21, 2021 Real Social Skills

A reader asked:

Hi. I was wondering if you could make a post regarding parents and specifically, strategies for coping with them. [Parents who don’t acknowledge autism/insert other as legitimate.]

Short answer: it depends. Families are really complicated, and it depends on what the relationships actually are. There isn’t much I can say that is generally true for all children and families.

That said, here are a couple of principles that work for some people:

Some people are never going to accept that you’re autistic, and are never going to understand what that means. For some people, that word is just too loaded, and too unacceptable.

Some of these same people will do what you need, if it’s framed the right way. Sometimes it helps to *not* talk about autism and *not* give any principled explanations, but rather to say things that are more like “I don’t understand. Send me an email and I’ll reply”. or “That restaurant is too loud for me.”

That can work better than things that are more like “I have trouble with loud noises because I am autistic and we often have trouble processing intense sensory input”. Because actually, they don’t *need* to understand or agree with your explanation of what’s going on in order to do right by you. They just have to do what you need in order to interact.

And I’d say also that – first and foremost, learn to say no and make it stick. Asserting boundaries makes a lot of things better, and the more you can establish that you are in control of your life, the better off you’ll be. In some circumstances, your ability to do this can be very limited because of danger – but in just about *all* situations, people will try to convince you that you have less power than you really do. Being mindful of your autonomy and preserving it helps.

Also – one thing that can happen is that people feel like they need permission of families/parents/whoever to think of themselves as autistic/whatever and to seek out help. And, while you might need their assistance for certain things, and while they might have the power to prevent you from doing certain things – you *don’t* need their permission to try to understand the world, understand how your mind and body work, get help, and make your life better. Don’t make their acceptance a prerequisite for doing these things.

Social skill: Predicting and respecting physical boundaries

October 23, 2012June 21, 2021 Real Social Skills

First and foremost, people’s bodies are private and they have the right to control them. Wanting to touch someone does not entitle you to touch them.

Even if they are the same gender as you. Even if you have no sexual intent. Even if you feel really strongly that you need to be touched.

Even if they’ve accepted certain kinds of touch from you in the past. They are entitled to change their mind, and sometimes people do.

Do not pat someone’s head just because you think they are adorable, unless you have an existing relationship in which that is potentially appropriate *and* you know that person consents. Adorable humans are people with full rights to physical autonomy, but they’re often treated as though they’re doing something bad if they object to others touching them. Don’t be part of this problem.

Clothes someone is wearing (including hats), things they are carrying, jewelry, and anything similar to that are all part of personal space.

This *especially* applies to mobility equipment. Don’t touch someone’s wheelchair or other equipment without having been invited to do so, unless the situation is one in which grabbing someone’s body without explicit permission would be the right thing to do (for instance, pulling someone away from an oncoming train). This applies even if you are assisting someone and there is a legitimate reason touching their chair would be helpful – accepting help doesn’t mean someone gives up all bodily autonomy; ask first. Wheelchairs and other mobility devices are part of a person’s physical space.

Interacting with marginalized people who do valuable things

October 21, 2012June 21, 2021 Real Social Skills

Sometimes people do unusual things, things that people like them are not expected to do, things that might even be taboo.

This happens to autistic folks, men who do childcare or raise their kids or otherwise “women’s work”, women who do many things, people with other disabilities, children and teenagers who accomplish things, basically any group of people who are often not expected to do things.

And sometimes people who want to support them end up making things worse. This is too abstract, so I’m going to give an example. This is not specifically a women’s issue; I’m using that as an example because it’s one I’ve seen a lot:

Say, a woman is the first female research scientist. And that she’s overcome a lot of opposition to get to this point.

And now that she’s finally gotten to the point of being allowed to do research that other people take seriously; 90% of the time what people want to talk about is her gender. About what it’s like to be a female whatever or the first female whatever.

Even when she’s come to give a presentation on her research – people who ask questions at the end all ask about what it’s like to be a female scientist and not what she’s actually presenting on.

And it’s hard to assert boundaries about this without just being seen as an uncaring bitch.

Many of the people are just curious, sometimes in a creepy way. Some people asking about it are hostile, and want to show that they really don’t think women should be allowed.

But sometimes, the hardest thing to take is people who want to tell you how great it is that you’re a female scientist, who mean to be supportive, but who are still really intensely focused on the freaky female part rather than the scientist part. Because, then, even the people who like you aren’t really taking you seriously, it’s *always* about the thing, the freakness.

And even then, it can seem like people are assuring you that you have their permission to be a freaky female – and being treated like you need permission by supporters

And it’s so much better to be taken seriously on the terms you care about, on what you’re actually doing.

So, be careful about that. The best way to support someone who is doing something important and stigmatized is to value the thing they’re doing, and take them seriously as someone who does it.

Social skills: Considering communication an obligation

October 13, 2012June 21, 2021 Real Social Skills

Sometimes, when people learn methods of communication that sometimes work for people with disabilities, they use them only to get compliance. Or to make things more peaceful and calm. And they expect that things will become easier. And some things will, but…

If you’re doing it right –– if what you’re doing is real communication – you should be hearing NO a lot more than you used to. And some things should become more complicated than they were before.

And you should be understanding and respecting NO more than you used to. The communication should sometimes, probably even often, interfere with your plans and challenge your assumptions. If your interactions almost always make things more convenient for you, what you’re doing is probably not really communication.

Even if the person you’re talking to is a little child – even two-year-old kids who don’t have disabilities are allowed to say no and make it stick sometimes. Little kids who need help communicating, need help communicating things adults *don’t* want them to say, as well as things adults *do* want them to say. It’s important for them to learn how to *decide* what to say.

And, especially – if you’re treating an adult in a way that makes it impossible for them to communicate boundaries even a two-year-old child is allowed to have, somethings is going seriously wrong. And you should be fixing it, and you should expect that fixing it will be inconvenient and lead to you having to change what you do because the person you are communicating said no, or said something unexpected.

Learning to communicate is not just a matter of learning to talk to someone; it’s also a matter of learning how to listen.

And, in pretty much every culture there is, listening to people with communication disabilities is considered optional, and learning how is considered to be a special skill gained by special people who have extra special patience for Working With People Like That. (And, it’s not even routinely expected of people whose primary job is teaching or supporting people with disabilities. It’s considered something *exceptionally good* people in such roles might take on.)

But listening to and communicating with people with disabilities isn’t optional. It’s a basic social skill that everyone needs to acquire (unless they have a disability that prevents it).

And – considering communication optional makes it harder. Acknowledging that others have the right to communicate, and that listening effectively is basic decency and not a special favor you’re doing someone, makes it a lot easier to learn how to communicate properly.

Social skill: Something you should know about sarcasm

October 10, 2012June 21, 2021 Real Social Skills

It’s widely believed that autistic folks have trouble detecting sarcasm and irony. This is in fact true for a lot of people.

However, something else is also true.

People lie about sarcasm and irony. Sometimes people say something they really did mean, and then after the fact claim not to have meant it.

Despite having meant it, they might say things like:

I was just joking
I was just being sarcastic
I was just being ironic
Of course I didn’t *mean* that

There are several reasons people might do this, including but not limited to:

After the fact, they regretted what they said and want to pretend they didn’t say it (sometimes for benign reasons – people do speak without thinking and then realize that what they said is something they don’t want to have said)
They realize that they don’t actually want to discuss that topic with you, and are trying to close the subject so they won’t have to
They are afraid of looking stupid, and they think you consider what they said stupid, so they want you to think they don’t mean it
They said a bigoted or otherwise messed-up thing and don’t want to take responsibility for having done so (so they pretend it was a joke in some way)
They are intentionally messing with you and want to confuse you

So, if you’re often told that you don’t understand sarcasm/irony/humor, it might be true. But it also might mean that you *do* understand what people are saying, and that they’re falsely claiming to be sarcastic/ironic/joking when they don’t like how you react to what they say.

Some things to consider:

Do you understand irony/humor/sarcasm some of the time, but not other times? Is there a pattern you can detect?
Do you understand humor/irony/sarcasm about some topics, but not others? Are the topics you don’t understand irony/sarcasm/humor topics that people say obviously intentionally hurtful things to you about? (If so, it’s likely that at least some of the sarcasm you’re failing to detect actually *is* meant literally).
Are there particular people whose irony/sarcasm/humor you consistently fail to detect, even though you understand it in others? If so, it’s worth watching carefully and examining the content to see if it’s actually irony/sarcasm/humor. It may be the case that you just find some people more confusing than others, but it’s also likely that you actually *do* understand what this person is saying and they just wish you didn’t.

Social skill: Making a building’s accessibility features useable

October 9, 2012June 21, 2021 Real Social Skills

Many buildings are built such that they are possible to use in a wheelchair, and then mismanaged in ways that make them completely and needlessly inaccessible. Here’s some things you can do to avoid that problem:

If some of the entrances to your building are not flat, post signs that clearly state where the accessible entrances can be found.
If you need to control access to your building by locking some of the entrances, make sure to keep at least one accessible entrance open. Even if this means you don’t use the fancy entrance. Being accessible is more important than being fancy.
If some of your parking lots lead to accessible entrances, and others lead to inaccessible entrances post that information and directions to the correct parking lot *at the entrance to the parking lot*.
If some of your entrances look accessible at first but then lead to stairs, post signs that make this clear and that direct to an actually accessible entrance. Do not make people waste their time with decoy entrances.
Make sure the elevator is as easy to find as the stairs. (For instance: If the elevator is not next to the stairs, post signs by the stairs with directions to the elevator). Do not post signs telling people that taking the stairs is more virtuous than taking the elevator.
If the passenger elevator is broken but there is an alternative (freight elevator, service elevator, etc) post this information with the out-of-order sign, and provide a cell phone number or other way someone who needs an elevator can contact help getting to the alternative elevator.
If you have a website, accurately describe the accessibility of your building. If some areas aren’t accessible, or are only sort of accessible, be honest about it. That allows people to plan. Provide a phone number or email address people can use to ask accessibility questions, and make sure the person answering it knows what they are talking about and cares.
Make sure your building maps accurately describe your building from the perspective of someone on wheels. For instance, if the pedestrian bridge linking two parts of your mall has two steps at the entrance, your map needs to say this. Likewise, if there is a step to get into the food court from one direction but not the other, the map needs to say this. Misleading maps waste a lot of time.
Listen to what people with disabilities tell you about accessibility. If they tell you something is a problem, believe them and fix it.

Social skill: Distinguishing between personal piety and basic morality

October 8, 2012June 21, 2021 Real Social Skills

There is a difference between things that are basic requirements for all decent people, and things that are matters of personal piety.

Just about every group I’ve seen has problems distinguishing this. I’ve seen this in anarchist space, religious space, environmentalist space, social justice space, disability space, antiracist space, and just about everywhere else.

Personal piety is a good thing. It’s good for people to be strict with themselves and hold themselves to a higher standard. It’s a perversion to attempt to hold *everyone else* to that standard and treat them as though they are bad people for not following it, though. It’s not proper piety if you use it as a weapon against others.

For instance:

Basic morality: don’t insult people based on race, gender, sexual orientation, disability, etc. Don’t use slurs to describe people, or as generic insults. Recognize the humanity of everyone.

Personal piety: examining language very careful and eliminating all words or images that have some sort of problematic connotation.

More specific example:

Basic morality: Don’t make jokes that suggest that rape is ok

Personal piety: Not ever saying “fuck off” because it gets some of its power from rape culture

Another example: Veganism is a matter of personal piety, one being stringent on oneself to avoid harming animals. But sometimes people who take that on consider it basic morality and end up hurting people (for instance, by refusing to acknowledge that many humans can’t safely eat a vegan diet).

Personal piety in itself can be a very good thing – so long as it doesn’t lead to harming others by setting the goalposts of decency impossibly high. No one can take on every worthwhile pietistic practice, and having failed to take on one in particular is not evidence that someone is a bad person. And treating people who don’t deserve it as bad people is the exact opposite of what a worthwhile pietistic practice should be accomplishing.

Social skill: Another thing not to say

October 7, 2012June 21, 2021 Real Social Skills

If someone tells you something about how they’re treated for being perceived as x, do *not* respond by saying “but you’re not x!”.

Because that suggests that if they really *were* x, then they *would* deserve it.

For instance:

“People are always making fun of me for being short, and I can never find adult clothes that fit me.”

“But you’re not short!”

“People don’t listen to me because they can’t be bothered to take the ten extra seconds to let me talk when it’s hard for me”.

“But you sound normal to me!”

Saying things like this really, really does not help. You saying you don’t perceive that person as x doesn’t make their experiences with being (or being perceived as) x any easier to deal with. It just means that they can’t talk to you about them.