Tag: disability

Age-appropriate interaction with autistic people

Real Social Skills
A reader asked:
 
Hello, I am a teacher. I wanted to say thank you for your posts. I work with one student who is autistic and not quite non-verbal, but speaks very little.
 
I found myself talking to her as if she were much younger than she is because I had no way of telling if she was understanding. Your posts have helped me to understand that even though she doesn’t speak, it doesn’t mean she doesn’t understand, and even if she doesn’t, I should still treat her like the 12-year-old she is
 
On Wednesday I spoke to her to let her know that I was wrong to have spoken to her like a little kid, and that I would now be speaking to her like a twelve-year-old. She seemed pleased. I have ASD traits myself, but I’ve never been non-verbal (even when I couldn’t speak, I still signed), so I didn’t really understand that non-verbal doesn’t mean not understanding necessarily. Thank you.
 
realsocialskills said:
 
Oh wow. That is heartening to hear. It’s wonderful that you realized that it was wrong to talk to her like a young child, and that you apologized. That is such an important sign of respect for her. Thank you for taking this seriously, and thank you for telling me about this.
 
I want to add that, in addition to talking to her like a 12 year old, you probably need to develop better skills at listening to her like a 12 year old.
 
Probably most of the people you’ve known in your life who had a small expressive vocabulary or spoke only sometimes were very young children. Her speech is not like that. She is thinking much more complex things than a young child is capable of. If you’re not used to listening to nonverbal or minimally verbal folks who are not babies, you probably don’t yet know how to do so in an age-appropriate way.
 
So it’s not just the way you initiate talking to her that needs to change, it’s also the way you respond to what she says. She has a lot to say. Possibly through her words; possibly mostly through her actions; possibly mostly through body language. But, in any case, she is 12 years old, and she has a lot of 12 year old things to say.
 
You can learn how to listen to her better. It’s a matter of respect, practice, and skills you can develop.
 
For instance:
  • You can get a lot of mileage out of asking yes or no questions. (For some people, it helps to prompt with “yes or no” if it seems like answering yes/no questions isn’t a skill they have all the time) Eg: “Did you bring a lunch today – yes or no?”)
  • You can also use other kinds of two-option questions. Eg: If you know that she wants a book but she can’t tell you which book she wants, you can put your hand in the middle of the shelf and say “Up or down?” “Left or right?” “This one?”.
  • You can get even more out of asking a question with an open ended and closed response. Someone who can’t give you a meaningful answer to “What do you want to do?” may well be able to answer “Do you want to draw, or do something else?” Or “Is the answer England, or something else?”
 
You can also listen to what she says, make guesses about what she means, tell her what your guess is, and ask if you are right. For instance “You just said juice several times. I think that might be because you want to drink juice. Do you want juice, or do you mean something else?” Or “You just said “We’re all friends here!” and you sounded angry. Are you upset about something?“ Or “You just said “Separate but equal!”. Are you talking about discrimination?“
 
I’ve written about listening to atypical communication here, and here, and I wrote a more general post about how to provide respectful support to an autistic student here.
 
For some further perspective on this, I’d highly recommend reading the blog Emma’s Hope Book. It’s a blog written by the mother of a 12 year old autistic girl whose speech is unreliable (with some posts from her as well), and they have a lot of really important things to say about how to respect people whose communication is atypical. 
 
Short version: Your student has things to say, whether or not she has figured out how to say them. She is already saying some of them (in words or otherwise), whether or not you understand her communication. The more you assume that she is trying to communicate with you, and the more you assume that what she says is worthwhile, the more you will be able to understand her and teach her in age-appropriate ways. Scroll up for some examples.
 
 

Learning self respect

Real Social Skills
A reader asked:
I’m twenty years old and I can’t help but think that everyone thinks I’m stupid. I stutter, I feel slow, I say dumb things, and I sometimes catch people giving me judging looks. No one’s ever said that to me except maybe once or twice when I was much younger, but I can’t help be bothered by it.
I feel like there’s something wrong with me mentally, but people don’t want to address it. I hate it. I’d rather be messed up and not aware of it than this. How do I learn to love and be okay with myself?
realsocialskills said:
The most helpful thing I know about this, I learned from Dave Hingsburger’s book _The Are Word_. And, in the simplest form, it’s this:
You’re ok. They’re mean.
If you stutter and think slowly and have cognitive problems and have trouble communicating, there probably are a lot of people in your life who think you are stupid.
They may think that, but it isn’t true.
You’re ok. They’re mean.
People who think that you are stupid are being mean. People who give you judging looks are being really mean.
You’re ok. They’re mean.
The way you talk doesn’t make them look down on you. The way you think doesn’t make them look down on you. Your voice is not the problem. Your brain is not the problem. They’re mean because they’re bigoted and mean.
You’re ok. They’re mean.
And, in the words of Laura Hershey: you get proud by practicing.
I know it hurts. It hurts terribly. It’s not your fault, and you won’t always feel this awful. It takes time. It takes practice. It’s slow, and incremental. Try not to be hard on yourself for struggling with this. We all do. It’s hard. That’s not your fault, either.
You’re ok. They’re mean. And as you practice understanding this, and as you practice getting proud, it will be easier to feel ok and harder for them to hurt you.

People with disabilities learn and think

Real Social Skills

People with disabilities are capable of learning things on purpose, because they’re interested in what they’re learning. That’s true of people with all kinds and degrees of disability. Everyone cares about things, everyone thinks, any everyone learns.

And yet, education for people with disabilities often starts from the assumption that disabled folks have no intrinsic motivation to learn. That, before you can start to teach anything, you have to identify a reinforcer for the target behavior. And that it should be the same across subjects, and that it needn’t have any relation to what you’re trying to teach.

So, instead of starting by teaching reading, you might start by identifying an effective reinforcer, and using it to reinforce reading behavior. For example, stickers. Or giving a jellybean each time someone reads a page. Or high fives. 

In a technical sense, finding a book that someone enjoys is also, according to behaviorist theory, finding an effective reinforcer for reading behavior. But it’s not at all the same as using an unrelated reinforcer to teach reading.

Finding a book that interests a person you’re teaching to read communicates why reading is worthwhile. Using an unrelated reinforcer to get them to cooperate with reading lessons may work, but it doesn’t communicate the value of reading. In fact, it actively demonstrates that you’re assuming that they will not value reading and that it’s not worth trying to convince them that reading is worthwhile. 

The same is true of communication lessons. Identifying a reinforcer and using it to reinforce speaking behavior can get someone to cooperate with rote speech lessons, but it can’t teach them what symbolic communication is. Figuring out what someone wants to say, and giving them a reliable way to say it, can. So can making sure that you listen to communication someone already has, and making it clear that you respect them. (If you refuse to learn their language, you’re teaching them that their communication doesn’t matter. Which is the opposite of helpful.) Behaviorist approaches something accomplish that, but only as a side effect. You can teach communication better if you teach it directly, rather than as a side effect of reinforcing speaking or pointing behavior. 

People with disabilities care about things, and want to learn. The assumption that we don’t is deeply degrading. 

Once the relief wears off

Real Social Skills

In Frozen, the main character accidentally injures her sister with her magic ice powers as a young child. In reaction, her parents teach her that she has to suppress and hide her powers at all costs in order to protect others. In a dramatic moment, she accidentally releases her powers in front of everyone. She gives up on concealing her powers, and makes dramatic and demonstrative use of of them. And, since it is a Disney movie, there is a song.

There’s a particular part of the song that I think is an important description of what it’s like to come to terms with difference:

It’s funny how some distance makes everything seem small
And the fears that once controlled me can’t get to me at all.
Up here in the cold thin air I finally can breathe.
I know I left a life behind but I’m too relieved to grieve. (quote ends here)

When you first start coming to terms with a stigmatized difference and talking about it in public and accepting yourself, as first it’s mostly a relief.

At first, you’re too relieved to grieve or to notice the price you’re paying for living in the world as an openly disabled (or whatever else) person. The price for trying to be normal was so, so high, and when you give up on that, the relief of not paying that price anymore is huge. 

But the relief wears off. Gradually, you start to notice the price you pay for standing your ground. You’ve realize that you’ve left a life behind in order to stand your ground and be who you are unapologetically. And that some aspects of that life were good, and that you can’t get them back.

You’ve lost a lot, and that can be hard to take once it sets in and the relief wears off. Some of the losses are direct, concrete things, like people who won’t trust you around children, hire you, or talk to you anymore. Others are more ephemeral – like, giving up the hope that you’d ever have the kind of respect that those who live without stigma enjoy. There are a lot of things, and what they are exactly differs for everyone. But there are a lot of them, and coming to terms with that kind of loss hurts.

It is ok to grieve the things you left behind in order to accept yourself, hold ground, and be who you are openly. Grieving over this loss doesn’t mean that you’re backsliding in self acceptance. It just the price you pay for holding your ground often sucks, and sometimes that can loom very large. This is not your fault. 

Honor your grief. You shouldn’t have had to lose the things you’ve lost. It should have been yours by right. You should have been able to be who you are openly without losing all of that. It’s horrible that you have to make this choice. You don’t have to have a sunny attitude all the time; you can have grief and regret and sadness and still be ok and on the right path.

The price is high, and you never really stop paying it, but it’s worth it. You’re worth it. We’re worth it. We can stand together and hold ground and support one another. Know that others have been through the stage where the relief wears off and the grief sets in, and found that the pain is bearable and that we can support one another through it.

Laura Hershey’s book of ADAPT poetry “In The Way” helps.

You can only speak for yourself

Real Social Skills

You are not your child’s voice. You are not the voice of the voiceless. You are not anyone’s voice, except your own.

You can advocate for others, but you can only speak for yourself.

You can translate. You can guess. You can do lots of things. You can advocate.

But you are you. You are not your child. Or your student. Or your sister. No matter how well you understand them. No matter how much you love them. You are not them. You are you.

They have a perspective of their own, and it is not the same as yours. Whether or not they can articulate it, whether or not anyone knows what it is, they have a perspective that is wholly their own.

When you speak, you are speaking from your own perspective; that is the only perspective you *can* speak from. You can never get inside another person’s head; you can never share their perspective; you can never be their voice.

Make sure that you keep in mind that the person you care about exists as a person separate from you, and that they disagree with you about some things; probably even some really important things. (No one 100% agrees with another person about everything.). Do not speak as though you and they are essentially the same person, or as though they automatically agree with everything you think. They are real, and their perspective matters.

A rude thing that people do to wheelchair and mobility scooter users

Real Social Skills
So, here’s a thing that happens a lot:
  • Someone rides a wheelchair or mobility scooter into a room that has many chairs in it
  • They want to sit on one of those chairs.
  • Several people, trying to be helpful, dart in to remove the very chair they wanted to sit on

This is very annoying.

  • Especially when it happens several times a week
  • Especially when the people who dart in to remove the chairs are very proud of themselves for Helping The Disabled
  • Even more so if they don’t understand “actually, I want to sit in that chair”, and keep removing it anyway
  • Even more so if the person has to physically grab the chair they want to sit on to prevent it from being removed
  • (And sometimes people react badly to being corrected and become aggressive or condescending)

Do not do this annoying thing.

  • Instead, find out what the person you want to be helpful to actually wants
  • People who use mobility equipment are not actually glued to it
  • And different people have different preferences about where they want to sit
  • You can’t know without asking them
  • (You can’t read their mind, Some people seem to think that mobility equipment transmits a telepathic call for help regardless of the person’s actual apparent interest in help. Those people are wrong. You have to actually ask)
  • You can’t know where someone wants to sit unless you ask, so ask
  • One way you can ask is “Would you like me to move anything?”

If you forget to ask, and make the wrong assumption:

  • Recognize that you have been rude
  • And apologize, and say “Oh, excuse me” or “Sorry. I’ll put it back.”
  • This is the same kind of rude as, say, accidentally cutting in line
  • Or being careless and bumping into someone
  • This is not a big-deal apology, it’s basically just acknowledging that you made a rude mistake
  • People make and acknowledge rude mistakes all the time with nondisabled folks
  • The same people who say “excuse me” when they bump into a nondisabled person, are often completely silent when they do something rude related to someone’s disability
  • Being on the receiving end of a lot of unacknowledged rudeness is degrading and draining. Particularly when you see that the same people who are rude to you without apologizing say “sorry” and “excuse me” to people without disabilities they interact with
  • Do not be part of this problem
  • When you are inadvertently rude to someone who has a disability, it’s important to acknowledge and apologize for it in the same way you would for any other inadvertent interpersonal rudeness

Why I say that all autistic people are disabled

Real Social Skills
A reader asked:
I get where you’re coming from saying all autistic people are disabled, but I’m autistic and don’t consider myself disabled, because I move through the world with no external accommodations. I feel uncomfortable claiming the word disabled and I feel more uncomfortable when people apply it to me without my consent.
realsocialskills said:
Here’s what I mean by saying all autistic people are disabled:
Autistic people, *all* autistic people, have things that they can’t do that almost all neurotypical people can do.
That’s a significant fact. And it doesn’t go away because you’ve arranged your life in a way that works for you. And losing site of that can cause a lot of problems.
To use a personal example:
I have a terrible sense of direction. I absolutely need my iPhone to be able to go anywhere new by myself without allowing an extra hour to get lost. That’s true no matter how simple the route is.
I have, at many points, forgotten that I am disabled in this particular way. In my day-to-day life, I normally stay within a small range of a few very familiar city blocks. So I don’t experience my disability, I don’t notice I am disabled. I even, sometimes, forget that I am impaired in that way. I used to get myself into a lot of trouble assuming that I’d gotten over it.
Similar things happen with executive functioning. I need a lot of cognitive cues to be in place to be able to do things. If they’re there, then I can forget that I have problems doing stuff. Which can cause serious problems if what I need to do shifts and my existing cues don’t work anymore.
Understanding that I haven’t gotten over disability and I’m not going to get over it helps me to function better. Because whether I notice my disability or not, it’s always there. When I remember and acknowledge that I am disabled it, I can plan to accommodate my disability.
I think this is true of all autistic people, whether or not they identify as disabled.

Thoughts on aging, assisted living, and death

Real Social Skills

When people age, they often move to assisted living facilities, either by their own choice or in response to outside pressure. Often, these facilities present themselves as being basically just like living in your own apartment, except that they clean for you, provide meals, and offer enjoyable activities.

And, when people first move in, this is generally true. People who can do the activities of daily living without help retain control over their lives, can come and go as they please, and live very similarly to people who live in their own places. But as residents age, they loose physical and cognitive abilities, and often lose control over their lives. What once looked like an apartment can look like an institution really quickly when you start to need more help.

On TV, we never see aging or death depicted very accurately. People who die on TV don’t decline over time, they’re just there until they’re not, and sometimes they look perfectly healthy in a hospital bed before they aren’t there. And sometimes, not being there isn’t dying, sometimes it’s being put into a home.
Real death is not like that. Real death is not usually sudden. People who die of old age normally become disabled first. On TV, when you become disabled enough for it to matter, you disappear. In real life, you are still there, you are still a person, and you still care about your life.
So, if you’re old enough to be considering moving into an assisted living facility, you’re old enough that you need to plan for what will happen as you become more disabled. Don’t assume that the people who run your residence will know what to do; you will be better off if you make the decisions rather than outsourcing them to other people.
On valuing your life:
If you are old, people might pressure you to refuse treatment for medical conditions you have so that you will die sooner. They might euphemistically call this dying naturally or not prolonging the dying process. But there’s nothing unnatural about using a feeding tube, treating an infection, or any number of other things people might try to talk you out of. Do not get all of your medical information from people who see the world this way. Medical decisions are yours to make, and make sure that the people advising you on your care believe that your life is worth living.
Pay attention to the disability community as well as the aging community. Some people feel like they would rather die than come to be impaired in a way they’re dreading. Hearing the voices of people who live with those impairments and value their lives will make it much, much easier for you to get past that fear.  Everything you face physically as you age is something that some disabled folks live with long-term. They know a lot about how to be disabled and still be free, self-respecting, and live. Disabled adults who live free lives and avoid nursing homes have had to gain a lot of skills that you are going to need. Not all of what they know has reached the aging community. Learn from both.
In particular: There’s a lot of fear and misinformation about feeding tubes. When people ask you to fill out a form indicating which treatment you do and don’t want, feeding tubes are one of the first things they ask about. People often see eating with a feeding tube as something like being a zombie, being undead, and living an unacceptable life. But feeding tubes are really just a way to eat and stay alive if you can’t use your mouth to eat. Similarly, breathing support is just a way to breathe. It doesn’t make you a zombie. It lets you stay alive and gives you more time to live and love and care about things.
Questions to consider:
  • When I am no longer able to walk as far as I want to go, how will I get a good wheelchair and learn how to use it?
  • If I lose the ability to speak, how will I communicate?
  • If I develop dementia, how will I communicate as I decline cognitively? What do I need to do now to make sure that if I develop dementia, I will still be treated like a person?
  • If I need assistance in the activities of daily living, will I still be able to decide how and when to do them, or will those decisions be governed by staff convenience?
  • If others decide that I am a fall risk, will I still be able to make my own decisions about when and how to get out of bed, and whether to use a bed alarm?
Just, generally speaking – your life does not end when you become disabled. It just changes. When you become disabled, your life will still be worth living, and you will still care what happens to you. Don’t let anyone talk you into devaluing it, and plan to keep your freedom.

Thoughts on noticing disability experiences

Real Social Skills
A reader asked:
As an able bodied person, I am never certain when/if it’s appropriate to bring it up. I don’t want to belittle disabled persons, but I also don’t want to be protected from their reality. How do you bring this up respectfully?
realsocialskills said:
The short version is – bring it up when it matters, respond respectfully when they bring it up, and don’t be creepy about it.
Some details:
On responding respectfully:
  • If someone mentions disability, acknowledge what they say, in the same way you acknowledge other things people say. Do not ignore them or wait for them to change the subject.
  • (I’m mentioning this because, very often, when I mention being disabled, people completely ignore me until I change the subject. It hurts. Don’t do that).
  • I think sometimes people ignore us when we mention disability because they’re anxious about saying the wrong thing.
  • It helps to keep in mind that someone mentioning disability probably isn’t actually asking you to understand everything and fix their lives by saying something brilliant. They’re probably just talking about their life, just like everyone else does
  • Even if you don’t know what to say, say *something*, or respond *somehow*
  • Eg, if someone mentions that they’re in pain that day, saying “That sucks” is a lot better than ignoring it.
  • Just, generally speaking, don’t treat disability as a scary taboo subject. Treat it as a normal thing to talk about.

A thought on language:

  • Generally speaking, the best language to use is the language someone uses for themself
  • Eg: If someone calls themself Deaf, don’t call them hearing-impaired
  • People have widely differing preferences on person-first language. Some people prefer to be called people with disabilities. Some people prefer to be called disabled. Some people don’t care much one way or the other. It’s best, if you can, to mirror the language someone uses for themself.
  • It’s also worth being aware that almost everyone hates being called “differently abled” and that most adults do not like to be called people with special needs.
  • That said, the most important thing is to speak to someone respectfully and to acknowledge them. Getting the language wrong is less bad than refusing to acknowledge or mention disability

Help people in a matter-of-fact way when they ask for help:

  • People with disabilities often need help at various times
  • Getting help can be really complicated
  • A lot of people like to feel like they are ~helping~, and that it’s an emotionally laden act of charity.
  • But actual help is just – doing stuff people ask you to help them with. It shouldn’t be a big deal..
    • Eg: Jane and Sue are in a meeting with other people in their office.
    • Someone in the meeting passes out an agenda
    • Jane’s hands aren’t working well that day, so she asks Sue to pick up her copy for her
    • Sue should do so without comment (unless she needs to ask a question in order to clarify what Jane wants her to do)
    • This would not be a good time for Sue to ask Jane questions about her hands
  • Another example:
    • Sam and James are coworkers. Sam is blind and James is sighted.
    • James and Sam work closely together and often go to offsite trainings or meetings
    • In a meeting in an unfamiliar place, Sam asks James to show him where the food is and tell him what is available.
    • James does so, and it’s not a big deal, because people who work together help each other with stuff.

More thoughts on help:

  • If you have reasons for not wanting to do a particular thing, that’s ok
  • (Eg: if someone asks you to move a heavy box out of the way of the ramp, it’s ok to say “Actually that’s too heavy for me too – how about if I find someone else to move it?”)
  • If you think that something other than what the person is asking for might work better, it’s ok to suggest it, but not ok to override them
  • (Eg: “There’s an elevator across the street. Would that work?”, NOT “Just take the elevator!”, or “I think they may have accidentally sent us salad with croutons. Is that dangerous to you, or will you be able to pick them out?” NOT “Can’t you just pick out the croutons?”)
  • If someone tells you that they do not want help, back off. (Eg: If someone with a mobility impairment tells you not to hold the door, don’t hold it. They have a reason.)
Sometimes it’s important to bring up disability. When you see a potential access issue, say something to the person it affects, and ask them what to do:
  • Like “We all want to get together for dinner. Jane’s Loud Bar and Grill has awesome steaks, but it’s really loud. Does that work for you, or should we pick a different place?” or:
  • “We’re chartering a bus for the company picnic. What should we know about your access needs? Should we get a bus with a lift? Or is there another way that would work better?” or:
  • “There’s going to be a booklet for the conference. Do you need it in an electronic format ahead of time?” or:
  • “We’d like to show a movie to the class. What do I need to know about avoiding your seizure triggers?”
  • Don’t worry about making someone feel different. We know we’re disabled, and we know we are different.
  • What we can’t count on is having our access needs met so that we can actually do what we need to do.
  • Being willing to talk about access *and follow up on it* makes a big difference
  • Having to initiate access conversations all the time is exhausting (particularly since people tend to react very poorly to being asked to accommodate our needs)

Similarly, if you notice discrimination, let them know that you see it too, and, if appropriate, respond to it:

  • Eg: If you see someone treat a disabled friend or coworker in a degrading ableist way, it’s ok to say to them “Wow. That was horrible how he treated you. I’m sorry that happened.”
  • It can be really, really helpful to know that other people are seeing it too
  • It’s much less helpful if you’re looking for brownie points for noticing though; that can become another microaggression

Sometimes questions are ok, but some questions are really creepy:

  • We don’t like being everyone’s education objects or self-narrating zoo exhibits
  • But a lot of us are happy to answer certain kinds of questions
  • Eg: I’m generally happy to talk about my vision, my movement issues, cognitive stuff, and stimming, so long as the questions are asked respectfully and it’s clear that the person will back off if I don’t want to answer.
  • Do not ask questions that are aimed at investigating/debunking or the like. For instance “Why are you using a wheelchair? I saw you walk! Do you really need it?” is an obnoxious question. So is “Why can’t you look at me when I talk to you? My brother’s son got therapy and now he makes eye contact all the time.” or “Seriously? You’re allergic to *that*? No one had allergies like that when I was a kid. Why all these allergies all of a sudden?” or asking someone to answer a bunch of questions with their communication device in an attempt to trip them up.
  • Do not ask creepy questions. For instance: asking someone how they have sex, asking someone how they go to the bathroom, asking someone detailed questions about their body (particularly if you’re asking about body parts covered by clothing)
  • Back off if they don’t want to answer the question
  • They do not owe you an explanation of anything disability-related, or of why they’d rather not talk about things
  • Do not ask questions in order to assuge your own fears (eg: don’t ask someone how they became disabled if what you’re really asking is “please reassure me that this can’t happen to me”.)
  • Do not ask someone to justify choices they make about mobility, treatment, therapy, diet, health, how they move or anything else disability-related.
  • Do not ask someone to justify their desire to have children. Particularly, if you know someone is trying to get pregnant, do NOT ask them whether what they have is genetic.
  • (Yes, I know about gluten-free diets. No, I will not be trying one. No, I will not be explaining why.)

It’s ok to notice equipment.

  • People who use mobility equipment know that they use mobility equipment
  • Really
  • This is not news to them
  • Admitting that you also notice will not be a sudden revelation to them that they are different
  • It’s not nice to ask nosy questions. But if someone, say, puts a bumper sticker on their battery box, it’s ok to notice and comment on said bumper sticker
  • If someone gets an awesome new cane, it’s ok to say you like the flower print on it
  • Just, generally speaking, you do not have to pretend mobility equipment is invisible

Also, acknowledge that being unaware of disability issues is a problem, and work on solving it. Don’t make your awareness the responsibility of your disabled friends or coworkers; this is your job, not theirs. If they choose to help you understand, they’re doing you a favor; appreciate it and don’t lean on them too heavily. Read things. Ask people who have chosen to make themselves available for education. Realize that being unaware of disability issues is a major gap in your understanding of the world, and seek to address it.

A shorter version of the last post

Real Social Skills

As disabled people, we learn early that it’s our job to protect abled people from ever having to notice either the logistical problems or the hate we face. And especially, we learn not to show that it hurts us. And double especially, we learn that we are not allowed to tell friends or caregivers or ~nice ladies~ or others that they are hurting us. And triple especially, we learn that we are not allowed to be angry because that’s ~just the way it is~ and ~people don’t understand~.

I think that protecting abled people from having to notice disability and ways we are harmed as disabled people goes so deep we do it automatically and without noticing most of the time. And abled people *really* don’t notice, because they think it’s normal and natural and have not had any need to challenge it. They feel completely entitled not to have to deal with disability, and the entitlement feels so natural that they don’t even *notice*. And we don’t notice how much we protect them, either.

I’m not sure what to do about that, but I think it’s worth figuring out how to get past it.