Tag: friendship

When is it ok not to tell people things?

Real Social Skills
A reader asked:
Is it okay not to tell someone something because you think they’ll disapprove? Assume it’s something that doesn’t affect their life, only yours, but you know they like hearing about your life and you know their feelings will be hurt if you don’t tell them. Do you have an obligation to tell them?
realsocialskills said:
There are very few things you have an obligation to tell other people about when they’re not personally affected. In fact, off hand, I can’t think of any. (Although, it’s not always 100% straightforward what does and doesn’t directly affect someone. Some things that seem like they don’t actually do.)
That said, outright lying about something the other person is likely to find out about tends to backfire, because it can have a corrosive effect on you. It can make you feel like you must be doing something wrong if you have to lie about it, and it can make you anxious about what will happen when they inevitably find out about it. Sometimes it’s a good idea anyway, but often it is not.
If someone is personally offended that you keep some parts of your life private, that’s a major red flag. It’s a sign that this relationship has bad boundaries.
No friends tell each other everything; no one approves of everything their friend does. There are always at least a few things that it’s better not to discuss.
In mutually respectful friendships, both people understand this and respect one another’s privacy. If someone expect you to tell them everything and gets upset when you don’t, they’re being controlling. They’re not treating you as an equal.
And it usually gets worse over time. If someone can convince you that you’re not allowed to have any boundaries or privacy, they usually keep pushing.
Some people who do this start acting right if you assert boundaries and refuse to tolerate it when they’re breached. That doesn’t always work, though. Sometimes you can assert boundaries enough to make the relationship work even if they never really respect them willingly. Sometimes that doesn’t work and the friendship can’t be safe even if you really, really like them in other ways.

Boundaries can be different in different contexts

Real Social Skills

Some things are dealbreaking in some contexts, but not others:

  • Things that are deal-breaking for any type of interaction (eg: someone might be unwilling to associate in any way with someone who makes racist jokes)
  • Things that are deal-breaking for friendship, but not business relationships (Someone might tolerate things from a boss out of necessity that they would never tolerate from a friend. Eg: insulting comments).
  • Things that are deal-breaking for romantic relationships, but not friendship (eg: Someone might be ok with friends who get drunk so long as it’s not around them, but not willing to date someone who gets drunk)
  • Things that are deal-breaking only if you have to see them (Eg: Someone might find violent movies triggering, but have no objection to friends etc watching them so long as it’s not around them and they don’t have to hear conversations about them)

These are all lines that different people draw in different places, and that’s ok. It’s a personal decision. But it’s worth knowing that your deal-breakers don’t have to be the same for every type of relationship.

Sometimes boundaries make relationships possible

Real Social Skills

Some people are lovely in some contexts, and awful in others. Sometimes, the only viable way to be their friend is to limit the contexts in which you interact with them.

For instance:

  • Some people are great when they’re sober, but mean when they’re drunk
  • That might mean that you hang out with them in alcohol-free spaces, but not in bars or others places with a lot of booze around
  • (Or it might mean that you don’t hang out with them because habitual drunkenness is dealbreaking for you)
  • Some people are lots of fun around adults, but don’t know how to tone it down around children
  • That might mean that you decide never to bring your kids to places they will be, but that you still hang out with them when kids aren’t around
  • (Or it might mean that you don’t hang out with them because failure to behave appropriately around kids is dealbreaking for you even if kids aren’t around) 
  • Some people are good friends in a personal way, but have abhorrent religious or political beliefs
  • Sometimes it’s possible to remain friends by agreeing not to discuss politics and religion
  • (Or it might not be, if certain kinds of political and religious disagreements are dealbreaking for you. Sometimes they are)

Some things are completely dealbreaking in a friendship. Other things can be accommodated with the right boundaries. 

  • This is a personal decision
  • The parameters of this look different for different people, and that’s ok
  • But for everyone, there are some things that are dealbreakers for relationships, and other things that can be managed by asserting boundaries

When you have trouble remembering that people exist

Real Social Skills
self-assuring-love asked:
Hello kind person, do you have any advice for someone who forgets that entire people exist unless they have frequent and obvious reminders? I will forget to talk to people for months or years at a time, simply because I’m not prompted to. By the time I remember, it’s been long enough that I’m shy and scared to talk to them again. Any help with re-establishing contact? And explaining to them/new friends what’s going on? And remembering to talk with them in the first place?

realsocialskills answered:

I think Facebook can be helpful for this, actually. If you see someone’s posts in your news feed, it can be easier to remember that they exist.

It’s also ok to start conversations along the lines of:

  • Mention the thing that prompted you to remember them
  • Mention it’s been a while
  • Say you’d like to catch up
  • If possible, say some specific form of catching up

For instance, say Fred forgot all about Bill until he saw him in the news. Fred might send an email along the lines of:

Hey Bill! I just saw the news article about you and the dolphins. I can’t believe how long it’s been, and I’d really like to catch up. Do you want to maybe get coffee sometime next week?

Or, say, Fred is at a party, and runs into Sandra:

  • Sandra: Hi Fred! Is that you?!
  • Fred: Oh, wow, hi Sandra. How’ve you been? I feel like it’s been forever.
  • Sandra: Yeah, I came here with Bill.
  • Fred: Oh wow, I haven’t seen him in forever either. How’ve you guys been? What’s been up?

Keep in mind that if you’ve forgotten they exist for months or years because you haven’t been reminded, this means they haven’t been initiating interactions either. If they had, you’d’ve been reminded that they exist.

Offerring support doesn’t always mean agreeing with someone

Real Social Skills
A reader asked:
One thing I really have a problem with is if a friend that I’m really close to is privately venting to me about someone or a situation and going on and on about it and I want to support them – but even from what they’re saying I think they might be in the wrong or at least not looking at it from the right angle. Disagreeing with people is hard, especially when it might not be your place to say anything? I’m not 100% sure what I’m asking about here.

This can be hard. I think sometimes it can help to ask explicitly if it’s ok to comment.

For instance:

  • “I think you might not be seeing this from the right angle. Could I tell you how I’m seeing it?”
  • “Would you like advice?”
  • “Do you want advice, or just sympathy?”

It’s ok not to agree with your friends. It’s also ok to sympathize with someone even if you think they’re probably making mistakes that are contributing to the situation. And it’s also ok not to actively agree with them, even if you’re being sympathetic.

Like, there’s a difference between weighing in and saying why they’re right and the other person’s wrong, and saying things like:

  • “That sounds really hard.”
  • “Are you holding up ok?”
  • “I hope things get better.”

Sympathy doesn’t necessarily mean agreement.

Of course, it’s also possible for friends to be so far over the line that it’s wrong to offer sympathy in that situation. I think in that situation, you do have to say something, but it doesn’t always have to be extreme or invasive. Sometimes it can just be like:

  • “This conversation is making me really uncomfortable; can we change the subject?”
  • “I don’t want to talk about this.”
  • “I’m really not comfortable discussing that with you.”

Sometimes it might mean directly confronting them (eg: If they’re behaving in a really creepy way towards someone else and want to tell you all about it), but I get the sense that this isn’t the kind of situation you’re talking about.

“Friends don’t let friends walk off cliffs”

Real Social Skills

A few years ago, I was very concerned about a friend. She was in a situation that I thought would hurt her very badly, and I wanted to tell her. But I wasn’t sure it was ok to do so, because I wanted to respect her boundaries and her adulthood and such. So I asked her if it was ok to talk about.

And she said something that stuck with me: “Friends don’t let friends walk off cliffs.”

I think this is important. Because if friends are in serious trouble and don’t seem to realize it – you don’t do them any favors by keeping silent. Friends don’t let friends walk off cliffs. Friends tell each other that the cliffs are there.

Pointing out cliffs is different from concern trolling or trying to take someone over. It’s – telling someone that they are in serious danger that you think they don’t know about.

Socially stigmatized people still have to respect boundaries

Real Social Skills

Here’s something I’ve seen happen among autistic folks. I think it probably happens in other groups too.

  • Someone is subjected to a lot of social violence
  • People don’t want to talk to them because they’re autistic and weird
  • People mock the idea that people like them could ever be a good friend or partner
  • They’re very lonely and isolated as a result of social violence and discrimination

Then, as they’re figuring out that social violence is bad, this leads to an entitlement mentality:

  • They think that, since discrimination is wrong, other people owe it to them to be their friends
  • or to consider dating them
  • Or not to consider things associated with their stigmatized group dealbreaking (eg: if an autistic person who doesn’t understand social cues violates boundaries a lot)
  • And they get angry at people who reject them
  • And act like they’re doing something wrong
  • And then invasively try to explain why the person they want to be friends with is wrong and really should be their friend
  • and then persists, even after the other person has clearly said no

It really doesn’t work that way, though. No one has to be your friend. No one has to date you. No means no, even when it is motivated by bigotry or misunderstanding.

And it’s a lot easier to find good friends and partners if you stop pursuing people against their will.

“I would never abuse anyone!”

Real Social Skills

This kind of conversation is a major red flag:

  • Bob: I’m going to go to the mall.
  • Stan: Don’t go to the mall. I want you to stay home.
  • Bob: Um, why not? I need new trousers.
  • Stan: Why are you taking that tone?! Are you saying I’m abusive? You wouldn’t be upset if I wasn’t abusive, so you must think I’m abusing you. I’d never abuse anyone! How dare you?!

Another version:

  • Bob: Could you not make jokes about my weight? It makes me feel bad.
  • Stan: I would never do anything to hurt you! How dare you call this bullying!

It’s especially bad when:

  • It happens every time Stan and Bob want different things.
  • Because it gets to the point where it’s impossible for Bob to say no without accusing Stan of being abusive
  • Or where Bob can’t express a preference that conflicts with Stan’s. 
  • This means that Bob has to always do what Stan wants, or else call Stan a bad person
  • This is an awful way to live

In a mutually respectful relationship:

  • People want different things from time to time
  • People hurt each other in minor ways
  • People make mistakes, and need to be told about them
  • Everyone understands this, and can accept that their friend/partner/whatever wants something different, or is upset about something they did
  • They understand that wanting different things, or being upset about something, is not an accusation of abuse.

If someone close to you claims that you’re accusing them of being abusive every time you have a conflict with them, they probably are, in fact, being abusive.

When you are someone’s imaginary friend

Real Social Skills

Friendships require two consenting people. Someone can’t be your friend unless you also want to be their friend. Friendship is a relationship and it has to be mutual.

Some people do not understand this. Some people want to think of themselves as your friends, and don’t care what you want.

In effect, people who do this are treating you as an imaginary friend. They don’t want *you*. They want an imaginary different person who wants to be their close friend. (And, they probably want a number of other differences, too.)

If they wanted you, if they were interested in friendship with the person you actually are, they’d respect it when you said no.

You can’t usually stop someone from perceiving you as an imaginary friend, but you don’t owe them your cooperation, either. It’s ok to ignore them. It’s ok to refuse to listen to lectures on why you’re being a bad friend. You don’t have to give them a chance and you don’t have to convince them that you’re right to distance yourself. You don’t owe it to anyone to help them pretend you’re their friend.

You can’t stop them from thinking whatever they want to think about you. If they send you lots of email. Or letters. Just don’t read them. Because they’re interacting with an imaginary person. Not you. And the real you doesn’t have to play along.

If you want to avoid making enemies, it’s important to be careful about your friends

Real Social Skills

Most personal enemies start out as friends, or apparent friends.

When you treat someone as a friend, it makes you vulnerable, because:

  • People you’re close to know things about how your mind works that they can use to manipulate you
  • Friends count on each other to actively treat one another well. If you count on someone and they aren’t actually trustworthy, you get hurt
  • Friends give each other the benefit of the doubt. If you give someone the benefit of the doubt and they don’t actually mean well, this gives them a large opening to do you harm.

It also means they know private things about you that they can use against you if they decide to be your enemy, and that people who perceive them as close to you might trust their opinion.

Sometimes you shouldn’t give people a chance to get close to you. Sometimes it’s not a good idea to allow yourself to become vulnerable in that way.

Not everyone is a good friend.

I wish I had known this sooner.