reader questions – Page 8 – Real Social Skills

On the right to communicate

March 28, 2014June 21, 2021 Real Social Skills

Is the word “stupid” ableist? I keep trying to explain to people that it’s a really important word for a really important concept but I can’t seem to put into words WHAT exactly that concept is.

realsocialskills said:

I don’t think “stupid” is an ableist word, and I’ve also been struggling to explain why. At some point I’ll write about that in more detail. I have not yet been able to do so, so this is not that post.

But I want to address something else that I see in your question. I think that, to an extent, what you are asking is more along the lines of:

Everyone is telling me a word I use is a bad word
I have something to say that I think is important
I can’t say it without using that word
And I can’t explain why that word is important
And people are upset with me
Is it ok for me to keep using the word anyway, or should I shut up about the thing until I can explain why I need that word?

And my answer here is:

I think that it is almost never a good idea to give up using a word that you feel like you need. I think you should probably keep using that word, unless you are able to find an alternative that still allows you to communicate the concept that is important to you.

Sometimes when people feel overly attached to a bad word because they are attached to expressing the bigotry associated with that word. If you’re worried that might be the case with you, work on addressing that. If that’s the problem, becoming less bigoted will probably make you less inclined to use the word anyway. If you stay bigoted, changing the word you use is unlikely to help.

You can’t avoid this issue by just saying that you don’t mean it that way. It has to actually be true. And, if you’re using a word that a lot of people object to, it’s worth considering whether you’re actually saying something worse than you think you’re saying.

That said, sometimes bigotry or hatred has nothing to do with why you feel like you need a word other people want you to stop saying. Sometimes you feel like you need the word *because you actually do*. Take that possibility seriously; don’t let people pressure you out of communicating.

And, as you consider these things, keep in mind the difference between basic morality and personal piety.

There may be worthwhile attempts to move away from certain words that you are not in a position to participate in, because you might not be able to give up those words without damaging your communication.

I think that people should use whatever words they need to use in order be able to communicate.

Words matter. But communication matters more. Don’t give up words you depend on to communicate clearly lightly.

On feeling like you have no right to call yourself disabled

March 20, 2014June 21, 2021 Real Social Skills

A reader asked:

I have depression and OCD, and I keep feeling like I don’t have the right to consider myself disabled or seek accommodation because they’re mental illnesses. How do I shake that feeling?

realsocialskills said:

I think that it might help to realize that self-doubt is normal for people with disabilities. I think most of us feel that way, regardless of what kind of disability we have.

The reason this is important to understand is that often, when we feel doubt, it can feel like evidence that there’s a *reason* to feel that kind of doubt. But it it isn’t. Most people with disabilities feel that way.

I don’t think this actually has much to do with your particular conditions being mental illnesses.

Categories don’t matter, except for some practical reasons like access to services and making it easier to find other people who get it. What matters is what your needs are. If you need accommodations in order to function well, it’s important to seek them out. Spending a lot of mental energy agonizing over whether or not you deserve them is not going to do you or anyone any good.

I think part of the reason a lot of us feel this way is that we never really see descriptions of disabled folks who resemble us, but we see a LOT of descriptions of disability that don’t match us at all.

Think about what the media’s like. It’s full of people who bravely overcame their disabilities. It’s also full of stories like “the doctors said my baby would never walk, but we didn’t listen to those doctors and now she’s an honor student!”. It’s also full of smutty stories about people who didn’t overcome their impairments suffering and dying and being mysterious unpeople. Or as having super powers, or as having a disability kind of like an accessory, without it affecting their life in any significant way. None of these descriptions match what people with disabilities are actually like, but they are *the only ones we ever see*.

And even beyond what the media says, most people without disabilities have no idea how wrong these descriptions are. It’s jarring.

When your actual experience with disability bears little resemblance to what everyone around you thinks disability is like, it’s easy to feel like a fraud.

One thing that helps with that is seeking out other people with disabilities similar to yours who think of disability in a matter-of-fact way, and work on trying to live well with your kind of disability. When you talk to people who get it, it makes it a lot easier to realize that what you are experiencing is real.

So, for you, it would probably be really helpful to find more people with depression and OCD to talk to, and more authors with depression and OCD to read.

Also, be careful about exposing yourself to people who yell a lot about fake disabled people or appropriation. Those people are wrong, but what they say hits insecure disabled folks really hard. If you’re not confident about yourself, you can get hurt really badly by that ideology.

Thoughts on noticing disability experiences

March 18, 2014June 21, 2021 Real Social Skills

A reader asked:

As an able bodied person, I am never certain when/if it’s appropriate to bring it up. I don’t want to belittle disabled persons, but I also don’t want to be protected from their reality. How do you bring this up respectfully?

realsocialskills said:

The short version is – bring it up when it matters, respond respectfully when they bring it up, and don’t be creepy about it.

Some details:

On responding respectfully:

If someone mentions disability, acknowledge what they say, in the same way you acknowledge other things people say. Do not ignore them or wait for them to change the subject.
(I’m mentioning this because, very often, when I mention being disabled, people completely ignore me until I change the subject. It hurts. Don’t do that).
I think sometimes people ignore us when we mention disability because they’re anxious about saying the wrong thing.
It helps to keep in mind that someone mentioning disability probably isn’t actually asking you to understand everything and fix their lives by saying something brilliant. They’re probably just talking about their life, just like everyone else does
Even if you don’t know what to say, say *something*, or respond *somehow*
Eg, if someone mentions that they’re in pain that day, saying “That sucks” is a lot better than ignoring it.
Just, generally speaking, don’t treat disability as a scary taboo subject. Treat it as a normal thing to talk about.

A thought on language:

Generally speaking, the best language to use is the language someone uses for themself
Eg: If someone calls themself Deaf, don’t call them hearing-impaired
People have widely differing preferences on person-first language. Some people prefer to be called people with disabilities. Some people prefer to be called disabled. Some people don’t care much one way or the other. It’s best, if you can, to mirror the language someone uses for themself.
It’s also worth being aware that almost everyone hates being called “differently abled” and that most adults do not like to be called people with special needs.
That said, the most important thing is to speak to someone respectfully and to acknowledge them. Getting the language wrong is less bad than refusing to acknowledge or mention disability

Help people in a matter-of-fact way when they ask for help:

People with disabilities often need help at various times
Getting help can be really complicated
A lot of people like to feel like they are ~helping~, and that it’s an emotionally laden act of charity.
But actual help is just – doing stuff people ask you to help them with. It shouldn’t be a big deal..
- Eg: Jane and Sue are in a meeting with other people in their office.
- Someone in the meeting passes out an agenda
- Jane’s hands aren’t working well that day, so she asks Sue to pick up her copy for her
- Sue should do so without comment (unless she needs to ask a question in order to clarify what Jane wants her to do)
- This would not be a good time for Sue to ask Jane questions about her hands
Another example:
- Sam and James are coworkers. Sam is blind and James is sighted.
- James and Sam work closely together and often go to offsite trainings or meetings
- In a meeting in an unfamiliar place, Sam asks James to show him where the food is and tell him what is available.
- James does so, and it’s not a big deal, because people who work together help each other with stuff.

More thoughts on help:

If you have reasons for not wanting to do a particular thing, that’s ok
(Eg: if someone asks you to move a heavy box out of the way of the ramp, it’s ok to say “Actually that’s too heavy for me too – how about if I find someone else to move it?”)
If you think that something other than what the person is asking for might work better, it’s ok to suggest it, but not ok to override them
(Eg: “There’s an elevator across the street. Would that work?”, NOT “Just take the elevator!”, or “I think they may have accidentally sent us salad with croutons. Is that dangerous to you, or will you be able to pick them out?” NOT “Can’t you just pick out the croutons?”)
If someone tells you that they do not want help, back off. (Eg: If someone with a mobility impairment tells you not to hold the door, don’t hold it. They have a reason.)

Sometimes it’s important to bring up disability. When you see a potential access issue, say something to the person it affects, and ask them what to do:

Like “We all want to get together for dinner. Jane’s Loud Bar and Grill has awesome steaks, but it’s really loud. Does that work for you, or should we pick a different place?” or:
“We’re chartering a bus for the company picnic. What should we know about your access needs? Should we get a bus with a lift? Or is there another way that would work better?” or:
“There’s going to be a booklet for the conference. Do you need it in an electronic format ahead of time?” or:
“We’d like to show a movie to the class. What do I need to know about avoiding your seizure triggers?”
Don’t worry about making someone feel different. We know we’re disabled, and we know we are different.
What we can’t count on is having our access needs met so that we can actually do what we need to do.
Being willing to talk about access *and follow up on it* makes a big difference
Having to initiate access conversations all the time is exhausting (particularly since people tend to react very poorly to being asked to accommodate our needs)

Similarly, if you notice discrimination, let them know that you see it too, and, if appropriate, respond to it:

Eg: If you see someone treat a disabled friend or coworker in a degrading ableist way, it’s ok to say to them “Wow. That was horrible how he treated you. I’m sorry that happened.”
It can be really, really helpful to know that other people are seeing it too
It’s much less helpful if you’re looking for brownie points for noticing though; that can become another microaggression

Sometimes questions are ok, but some questions are really creepy:

We don’t like being everyone’s education objects or self-narrating zoo exhibits
But a lot of us are happy to answer certain kinds of questions
Eg: I’m generally happy to talk about my vision, my movement issues, cognitive stuff, and stimming, so long as the questions are asked respectfully and it’s clear that the person will back off if I don’t want to answer.
Do not ask questions that are aimed at investigating/debunking or the like. For instance “Why are you using a wheelchair? I saw you walk! Do you really need it?” is an obnoxious question. So is “Why can’t you look at me when I talk to you? My brother’s son got therapy and now he makes eye contact all the time.” or “Seriously? You’re allergic to *that*? No one had allergies like that when I was a kid. Why all these allergies all of a sudden?” or asking someone to answer a bunch of questions with their communication device in an attempt to trip them up.
Do not ask creepy questions. For instance: asking someone how they have sex, asking someone how they go to the bathroom, asking someone detailed questions about their body (particularly if you’re asking about body parts covered by clothing)
Back off if they don’t want to answer the question
They do not owe you an explanation of anything disability-related, or of why they’d rather not talk about things
Do not ask questions in order to assuge your own fears (eg: don’t ask someone how they became disabled if what you’re really asking is “please reassure me that this can’t happen to me”.)
Do not ask someone to justify choices they make about mobility, treatment, therapy, diet, health, how they move or anything else disability-related.
Do not ask someone to justify their desire to have children. Particularly, if you know someone is trying to get pregnant, do NOT ask them whether what they have is genetic.
(Yes, I know about gluten-free diets. No, I will not be trying one. No, I will not be explaining why.)

It’s ok to notice equipment.

People who use mobility equipment know that they use mobility equipment
Really
This is not news to them
Admitting that you also notice will not be a sudden revelation to them that they are different
It’s not nice to ask nosy questions. But if someone, say, puts a bumper sticker on their battery box, it’s ok to notice and comment on said bumper sticker
If someone gets an awesome new cane, it’s ok to say you like the flower print on it
Just, generally speaking, you do not have to pretend mobility equipment is invisible

Also, acknowledge that being unaware of disability issues is a problem, and work on solving it. Don’t make your awareness the responsibility of your disabled friends or coworkers; this is your job, not theirs. If they choose to help you understand, they’re doing you a favor; appreciate it and don’t lean on them too heavily. Read things. Ask people who have chosen to make themselves available for education. Realize that being unaware of disability issues is a major gap in your understanding of the world, and seek to address it.

Should I tell my roommates I’m autistic?

March 10, 2014June 21, 2021 Real Social Skills

A reader asked:

I’m an autistic student who’s starting college next fall. I’m wondering if I should tell my roommate(s?) about it first, or if this will affect the way they think of me. I like to think that I can “fit” in normally with everyone, but I might have some quirks that will annoy them. I’m worried I won’t be able to make friends, I’m not sure what to do.

realsocialskills said:

This is a really personal choice, and there’s no one right answer here. Some thoughts:

There’s a really good book and website about dealing with college as an autistic person called Navigating College. It talks in practical terms about a lot of different issues, including the question of disclosure. I would highly recommend reading it.

That said, here’s what I think I know about disclosure in general:

Autism is highly stigmatized, and most people will see you as less of a person if they know you’re autistic.
Sometimes it’s safer not to tell people, or to say something like “I have a neurological disorder that makes it hard for me to (whatever the relevant thing is).
If Google knows that you are autistic, it can make it harder to get into school, get an internship, or get a job
Keeping autism completely secret creates a major barrier to friendship; hiding a fundamental aspect of who you are makes everything a lot harder
If people don’t know you’re autistic, then you always have to wonder how they’d treat you if they ever found out.
If people know you’re autistic, then you face a lot more mistreatment, but you also find out who you can trust. Sometimes, that’s worth it.
There isn’t a right answer here; all of the options kind of suck, and which approach is best for you is a highly personal decision

And a few things I think I know about disclosing to roommates:

In college, roommates are often not friends
They’re just people you have to minimally get along with enough to share space peacefully
In some ways it’s better if you’re *not* close to your roommate; a fairly superficial relationship can be more conductive to living together
If you aren’t close to your roommate, there’s probably no reason they *need* to know you’re autistic.
It’s also possible that they’ll treat you better if you don’t tell them, since most people think that autism means you’re unable to understand or care about other people.
So, unless you’re generally open about being autistic (which can be a good strategy), it might be better to err on the side of not telling your roommate.

When you want to start changing the world and it feels daunting

March 9, 2014June 21, 2021 Real Social Skills

A reader asked:

I’ve learned a lot about rape and rape culture from Tumblr, and now I want to start educating people. However, I am quite socially awkward, so I’m not really sure when and how to bring it up appropriately. Also, how do I make sure I don’t overwhelm them when it is the first time I am talking about rape culture to them? Should I arrange a campaign at my high school or should I talk one on one? Also, I don’t want to trigger anyone, how do I do that?

realsocialskills said:

Thank you for your question. It’s a really good one.

Before I say anything else, I want to say something about perspective:

Part of fighting rape culture (or any pervasive injustice) involves coming to a degree of acceptance about how awful the world is. Before you knew about pervasive evil, you might have been able to get angry and fight every time you saw something awful. That’s not going to work anymore, because rape culture is everywhere. Now that you can see it, you will notice something horrible multiple times every day.

Rape culture is as bad and outrageous as you think it is, and it’s hard to come to terms with seeing it all around you. But it’s also possible, and important, to learn how to see it without getting furious every time. You can’t go after every instance of rape culture you see with everything you have. Doing that will cost you everything you have, without putting much of a dent in the things that are wrong with the world.

Some kinds of activist perspectives make things worse. You see some of them a lot on Tumblr, but they’re not just Tumblr things. Some people will sell outrage and falling to pieces as the standard of virtue. It’s ok, and often worthwhile, to be angry. But rage isn’t the measure of how much you care about something, or how dedicated you are to fighting evil and building a better world, or how effective your work is. We all get outraged sometimes and there’s nothing wrong with that, but push come to shove, it’s the work that matters. The important thing is to look for opportunities to act, and to find places where your work can be effective. Honor your anger, but prioritize your work.

I wrote a post about anger and a post about the fight that I think are relevant here.

That said about perspective and the importance of finding opportunities to act, here are some thoughts about tactics:

There are two basic faces of activism/advocacy.

Forcing people to change what they do
Convincing people to adopt your values

Both are legitimate, and important. Your work will involve both. The proportion will depend on your personal skills, opportunities, and preferences. Don’t devalue either. And, in all cases, it’s important to be realistic about what you have the power to do. You can do more when you are looking for opportunities to act than when you are assuming that your dedication will overcome every obstacle.

When you are seeking to persuade others:

Focus your attention on people who are willing to listen to you. Lecturing people who aren’t interested isn’t likely to get you anywhere. Hostile people are almost never persuaded by arguments; arguing with hostile people is almost always draining and demoralizing. The only time arguing with a hostile or uninterested person is likely to get you anywhere is when you are speaking to them for the sake of an audience that *is* listening to you seriously. You can’t reach everyone. Focus on the people you can reach.

When someone is sincerely trying to understand, speak to them respectfully. Don’t condescend to them. Don’t speak to them with contempt. Don’t tell them to go fucking google it. So long as they are actually being sincere, treat them respectfully even if it takes them a long time to understand. Keep in mind that three years ago, you didn’t know all of this either. Don’t expect people for whom these ideas are new to get it within five minutes. (And keep in mind also that you’re new at this and probably not very skilled at explaining in a way others can understand yet, and keep working on that skill.)

Some people will pretend to be interested while actually being hostile and unwilling to listen to anything you say. It’s ok to tell those people to go away. It’s ok to be rude about telling those people to go away. Sometimes it is very hard to get those people to go away; sometimes they will be very aggressive and whiny about it. It’s still ok to end the conversation. You don’t owe hostile people your attention. (Beware of spending lots of time arguing with someone about whether or not you have an obligation to argue with them. That’s a way they will suck you back in. You do not have to persuade someone that the conversation should end in order to end it.)

It’s also ok to decide you don’t want to keep trying to explain rape culture to someone anymore even if they *are* sincerely interested and being respectful about it. Activists are allowed to have boundaries, even with nice people. But if you don’t think someone’s being a jerk, don’t treat them with contempt when you set a boundary. (Eg: Something like “I don’t want to talk about this anymore”, not something like “Go away with your male tears” *unless the person you’re talking to is actually doing something wrong*.)

When you are trying to force people to change what they do:

It’s important to look for opportunities to act. You can’t force people to do things unless you have power over them. At this point in your life, the coercive power you have is probably somewhat limited, but here are things you might be able to do:

Insist that friends not tell rape jokes around you. Refuse to play Card Against Humanity with people who use it as an excuse to tell rape jokes, and say why.
If you watch children, respect their physical boundaries and insist that they respect each others’. (For instance, if a boy chases a girl and she says stop, don’t act like it’s cute. Make sure he stops. Do this regardless of the genders involved.)
Captain Awkward often writes about confronting rape culture in social situations; it’s probably worth having a read-through.

Also, there are situations in which exercising coercive power is *not* an ok way to fight rape culture, for instance:

If you are responsible for children, it is not ok to keep them isolated from mainstream culture and media in order to prevent them from adopting mainstream ideas. Kids are not world improvement objects, and they have the right to come to their own conclusions about things
If you are supporting adults with disabilities, it is not ok to install filters on their internet access, refuse to take them to places you see as supporting rape culture, or control which movies they watch
Just, generally speaking, expressing an extreme degree of control over someone else’s life is not ever an ok form of activism

Keep in mind that you already have power, and that as you get older you will probably have more. Start learning about the ethics of coercive power now, and take that seriously. Don’t let anyone tell you that you’re too disprivileged to have to worry about this; *everyone* has power over others that’s morally relevant; no one is exempt from having to think about their use of power.

A word about speaking truth to power

One power you have now is the power to speak up when others do not. If a teacher says something dangerously wrong and you object, it sends the message to other students that objecting to the wrong information is *possible*, even if no one else speaks up. This can be very powerful. It can also bring down the wrath of people who have a lot of power to hurt you, particularly if you are a minor and your parents aren’t on board with your activism. Don’t let anyone pressure you into or out of taking this risk; it’s a very personal choice. And in neither case are you responsible for the actions of the powerful (eg: If you decide to stay silent, it is not your fault that a teacher is spreading dangerous misinformation; if you decide to speak up, it is not your fault if they decide to punish you. Their choices are theirs and you are not responsible for them).

About a campaign at your school

I don’t know whether a campaign at your school would be a good idea or not. Some factors to keep in mind:

Do you have anyone else willing to work on it with you? If not, it’s probably better to wait until you’ve discussed this successfully with more people
Are campaigns part of the culture of your school? Does anyone respect them? If so, it might be a good idea.
One purpose a campaign might serve is to identify other people interested in this issue. A petition might also serve this purpose.
If you can get people to sign a petition with their name and email, then you have their name and email and might be able to continue talking to them and find ways of working together on rape culture

A final word about perspective:

Effective activism is a skill. It takes time and experience to get good at it. Don’t pressure yourself to be an expert right away. Just keep working on identifying and taking advantages of opportunities to act. You will get good at this with time and experience.

You can’t appropriate your own mind

March 2, 2014June 21, 2021 Real Social Skills

A reader asked:

I briefly self diagnosed as autistic, but I met with my psychiatrist yesterday and she told me since I noticed social deficits and tried to compensate, and managed just like a neurotypical person, it was just social anxiety bc if I were autistic, I wouldn’t have noticed or been able to learn so well. she didn’t mention the cognitive things I brought up, so I’m guessing they were normal /insignificant. How do apologize on my tumblr for fucking this up and appropriating?

realsocialskills said:

You don’t owe anyone an apology. Anyone in our community who has suggested that sincere but mistaken self-diagnosis is appropriation owes *you* an apology.

Thinking you’re autistic and being wrong is not appropriation. We all make guesses about ourselves; some turn out to be right and some turn out to be wrong. Thinking you’re autistic and being wrong is not appropriative and it is not fucking up.

That said, from what you described, it’s not even clear to me that you are wrong about being autistic. I’m not a diagnostician and I don’t know you, so I can’t say one way or another. But it sounds to me that your psychiatrist is basing their response to you on stereotypes rather than professional knowledge of autism.

Not all psychiatrists are competent to evaluate autism, particularly in adults. Psychiatrists are primarily trained in mental health; autism is a developmental disability. Mental health training does not imply expertise in developmental disability. It’s entirely possible that your psychiatrist is disregarding your cognitive issues not because they are normal, but because your cognitive issues are outside their area of professional competence.

Most autistic people notice social deficits and try to compensate. Most autistic people generate effecting coping strategies for a lot of things, including social situations. All autistic people can do some things that neurotypical people can do. Being able to notice and compensate for problems does not mean you’re neurotypical.

It’s fairly common for people who think they’re autistic to be told by mental health professionals that if they’re self-aware enough to ask, they can’t possibly be autistic. Or that if they can do anything at all, it must mean they’re not autistic. Those are perceptions based on stereotypes, not accurate understandings of autism. People with advanced mental health training are just as prone to a stereotypical view of developmental disability as anyone else.

If your doctor is responding to your concerns in a way that might be based on stereotypes and misinformation, it’s probably a good idea to find someone else (perhaps a neuropsychologist) who has a better understanding of autism and is familiar with adult diagnosis.

You may or may not be autistic, but it sounds like you could benefit from investigating further. And ultimately, the opinion that matters most is your own. You know your own mind better than anyone else does.

And whatever conclusion you or any professional ends up reaching, you have done nothing wrong or appropriative. It’s ok, and important, to try to understand yourself and figure out what you need to make your life work.

Shopping for clothes

February 26, 2014June 21, 2021 Real Social Skills

A reader asked:

Hello, thank you for running this blog. I was wondering if you have any ideas on how to make shopping for clothes less overwhelming? I almost never buy new clothes until mine are full of holes because of a few reasons, but mostly because I get stressed out in clothing stores and even while shopping online because of how many things there are. Thank you!

realsocialskills said:

Shopping for clothing is hard, particularly for women. I don’t have a complete solution, but I do have some ideas:

Pay attention to sensory overload:

Most stores that sell clothing are also very overloading on a number of levels
It might be helpful to listen to music on headphones while you shop
Pay attention to which stores are more overloading, and try to shop at the ones that are easier to deal with
When you get overloaded or overwhelmed, it can be really helpful to stop and hold onto something solid (eg: a clothing rack, a shopping cart) for a couple of minutes until you feel more grounded

It might be helpful to have someone shop with you:

Some people get distracted and overloaded alone, but not with other people
Sometimes another person can help you narrow down decisions
Sometimes another person can notice signs of overload and help you come out of it
Sometimes just having someone else there can make it easier to have perspective
This doesn’t work for everyone, and for some people having someone else can make it worse. But it works really well for some people

When you find something you like, buy more than one of it:

Then when it wears out or is in the wash or whatever, you’ll still have one
If you want one, you probably want more than one
Clothing is easier when a lot of it is the same
If you are a woman and will be socially penalized for wearing the same shirts style all the time, you can sometimes fix this by having a lot of scarves and wearing a different one every day.

Notice brands you like:

If you like a particular brand, it’s likely that you’ll keep liking stuff from that brand even as they change it
The same brands are usually in the same places in the store
And if not, you can look for them on purpose instead of being completely overwhelmed by all the options

Different kinds of stores are different, and some might be more or less overloading:

For instance, The Burlington Coat Factory has racks where all the skirts in a particular range of sizes are. And then you can flip through.
Most other stores have racks with one particular thing in several different sizes, organized by designer and loosely organized be levels of fanciness
Depending on how you think, one or the other style of store might be dramatically easier for you to deal with
For instance, if I know that I want a shirt, I usually find it easier to go to a store that has all the shirts in my size in one place.
If I need various different pieces of clothing, I often find it easier to go to a store that’s organized by brand, so I can get various things in a brand I know I like

Some stores also have people who can help you shop.

Don’t trick people into talking to you

February 23, 2014June 21, 2021 Real Social Skills

A reader asked:

If you say hurtful things to someone on the Internet and hurt them enough that they block you, try and fail to gain their forgiveness because they barely know you and have problems with toxic people, and then adopt a new username, start following them again and interact with them again without hurting them, are you being dishonest and a bad person?

realsocialskills said:

I think it’s better not to frame this as a way of deciding what kind of person you are. The point isn’t to figure out whether this makes you a bad/dishonest person. The point is to figure out whether it’s a bad thing to do.

In this case, I do think it’s bad to make a new persona to interact with someone who has blocked you. It’s not ok to trick someone into interacting with you against their will.

It’s also not ok to decide that someone you hurt isn’t forgiving you because “they barely know you and have problems with toxic people” and that this means that it’s somehow ok for you to ignore their decision not to forgive you. That’s not your decision to make.

Neither being sorry, nor meaning well, nor apologizing, nor being a good person mean that you are entitled to have someone forgive you and agree to continue a relationship.

People have the right say no to forms of interaction that you want with them, even if their reasons are bad or based on misconceptions about you.

You also don’t know if you’re hurting them in your new persona. The fact that they haven’t blocked you in the new persona doesn’t mean that everything is ok. It just means that they haven’t blocked you. The one thing you do know is that they’re not interacting with you willingly and that you’re tricking them into doing something they don’t want to do.

The internet is full of people willing to interact with you. Leave the people who aren’t willing alone.