Real Social Skills

Breakup aftermaths when other things are going on

August 23, 2013June 21, 2021 Real Social Skills

A reader asked:

I’m going through a breakup and am dealing with pretty crippling anxiety and depression despite the fact that my ex and I didn’t end on bad terms. I am a very socially awkward normally and my ADHD sometimes causes me to act impulsively.

I have three questions:

How/when/who is it appropriate for me to discuss my problems with (Like when people ask how I’m doing I normally lie but I think that may not be good for me.)

How long should I wait before spending time with my ex, seeing him is like tearing off a band-aid and

What is a good way for me to cope with my loneliness when my social anxiety prevents me from being able to be around most people?

Realsocialskills answered:

A few thoughts:

First and foremost, there is no one solution to this problem. You’re going to have to slowly find ways of making your life better. You’ll probably feel better if you think of it that way.

I get the sense that you might be thinking of the problem as “How do I get over my ex, stop being so impulsive, not be depressed, not be anxious, and not be so isolated, so that everything will be ok?” That’s a really overwhelming problem, but it’s not actually the problem you have to solve. The problem you have to solve is “What things can I do to start making my life better?”

And there are a lot of things that might be worth trying, and other things worth avoiding. I’ll start with the things I think you should avoid:

Don’t rely on your ex for emotional support:

It’s not good for either of you
Part of what being broken up means is that you need to separate emotionally and regain your own space
Relying on your ex for emotional support makes it damn near impossible to do this
Especially if you don’t have much else in the way of support
It is not your ex’s responsibility to make your life ok post-breakup
It’s probably not a good idea to spend time with your ex until you’re past the point of the breakup feeling like an excruciating loss when you see them

Respect other people’s boundaries:

Someone asking you how you are isn’t necessarily an invitation to share
“How are you” is usually a fairly meaningless socially greeting.
Sometimes people ask because they are concerned and really want to know. These are usually people you are already close to, or people you’re related to.
If you’re not sure whether they really want to know or if it’s just social noise, you can say “It’s kind of hard right now” or something similar, and see if they ask follow up questions
If they ask follow up questions, it’s usually ok to tell them what’s going on
But keep in mind that it’s ok for people to decide they don’t want to be your support system
And it’s important to respect that

Meetup.com

Meetup.com can bee a good way to meet new people in an unthreatening way
It’s easier to talk to new people when you know that you share an interest and are gathering to talk about it or do something
It’s also often ok to go and listen to other people talk
And it’s ok to leave if you need to

Interacting with people on the internet

A lot of people who can’t interact easily in person get a lot of social interactions from Tumblr
This counts as social interaction. Don’t devalue it
It also might help to seek out some other type of forum, like a message board about your interest/fandom/whatever
Email lists can be good too, especially if they’re the kind that don’t have archives that can be googled
Even with people you know, it might be easier to interact on chat or Facebook or some other internet based way

Religion

If you have a faith tradition, it might help you to go to church/temple/synagogue/mosque/place of worship.
If you have a bad experience with the place of worship you grew up with, you might be able to find one that works better for you
Most communities have a number of places of worship. Some of them probably have nice people
Unitarian Universalist churches work for some people who don’t feel comfortable in the organized forms of the religion they grew up with, but don’t want to reject it either
Going to a place of worship can be a way to meet people
It can also be a way to be around people without having to interact too much directly
For some people, being near people without having much conversation can be a way to feel less lonely without anxiety-inducing pressure
There also might be things you can volunteer to help with that aren’t too socially intense
There also might be study groups that work for you, because you can talk about the topic or just listen
Prayer can also help some people. Talking to God can help, even if you can’t talk to people.
Organized religion is not right for everyone, but it can be really good for some people

Reading fiction or watching TV

For some people, stories are a good way to cope with loneliness
Reading or watching stories is sort of like vicarious social interaction
It can also help you to learn a bit more about people and relationships
There’s a reason why lonely isolated kids coping with growing up by reading novels is such a pervasive trope
This isn’t helpful for everyone. Fiction can be really misleading and not everyone can understand it. But for some people, it can be good.

Therapy is helpful for some people

Some people find it helpful to talk to a therapist
Sometimes therapists can help people manage social anxiety and depression better
Or figure out executive functioning strategies
Or learn appropriate boundaries that make friendship easier
Therapy is not a good idea for everyone.
For some people, it isn’t helpful.
For some people, it’s a matter of finding the right therapist
For others, it’s actively anti-helpful and damaging.
For some people, it’s sort of helpful but not worth the costs
Therapy is something that can help some people to get support that helps them to figure out how to improve their life incrementally
Only you know whether therapy is a good idea for you (and it’s ok to decide to stop going to therapy if you decide that would be better)
In any case, therapy isn’t magic and it’s not a cure. There isn’t actually such a thing as “getting help” and that fixing your life. There’s just trying things and seeing what works.

Medication can be helpful for some people

Anxiety, depression, and ADHD are all conditions that some people find easier to manage with medication
For some people, medication is useful in the short term even if it’s not good in the long term
Some people don’t benefit from being on medications regularly, but do benefit from having medication available for occasional use to control anxiety or panic attacks
Medication is not right for everyone.
For some people it doesn’t work
For some people, it works, but has intolerable side effects
For some people, it works, but it takes a lot of experimentation to find the right medications and doses
Only you can decide if medication is right for you
Medication is not a cure or a way to become a different kind of person. It’s a strategy for managing things that works well for some people
If medication doesn’t work for you, that doesn’t imply that you don’t really have depression/ADHD/anxiety.
It also doesn’t imply that your condition is mild
Or that you’re not serious about making your life better
All it means is that medication is not a good strategy for you

Where slurs come from

August 22, 2013June 14, 2021 Real Social Skills

Slurs have power because of how they’re used and what it evokes when someone says them. Not because groups have decided to be offended by them. Target groups don’t give slurs power; the weight of historical and current use gives them power.

Words mean things.

The n-word is a slur because it has always been used to say that black people aren’t really human and to incite violence. That is what that word means when it’s said by someone who isn’t black. You can’t say that word as a nonblack person without invoking that meaning to some extent or other, even if you don’t mean to. That’s not a meaning black people give the word. That’s a meaning that white people created.

Likewise the r-word, especially in noun form. (It’s not always a slur in adjective form, but it always evokes the slur a bit, so it’s better to use a different word if you can). It’s a slur because what it means is someone who isn’t really a whole person because their brain doesn’t work right. That’s not a meaning folks with disabilities are imagining in order to feel offended, and it’s not a meaning they can get away from by deciding not to be offended.

Calling someone a slur means something. It’s a threat. And an implied threat to other people in that group.

Other people can feel how they want about it, but how they feel won’t erase the fact that someone saying a slur is making a threat. Feelings don’t erase violence and threats of violence.

Getting past “I’m not being abusive!!!” and getting perspective on how you’re treating people

August 20, 2013June 21, 2021 Real Social Skills

A reader asked:

re: ‘I’m not being abusive!’ – I’m concerned I’ve done this in the past because I grew up around someone very verbally/emotionally abusive and am trying to work through those behaviors. I feel like I flag myself sometimes that way to check in with others, but get the feeling this is a really bad way of dealing with things. Any advice on what I can do in these situations when I’m very worried I *am* being abusive and want help to stop?

I think there’s a couple of things:

First of all, recognize the difference between asking for feedback and asking for reassurance:

Trying to find out whether something is wrong is one thing.
Trying to get someone to reassure you that nothing is wrong is a different thing.
It’s important to be open to the possibility that something is actually wrong.
If you’re not open to that possibility, then don’t ask.
Because pressuring someone to tell you that everything is ok makes things worse
Work on learning how to be open to the possibility that things are wrong
And ask in a way that makes it clear you actually want to know.
Eg, don’t say things like this: “You’d tell me if something was wrong, right?” “Nothing’s wrong, is it?”
Things like this are better: “I feel like something might be bothering you. Is something wrong?”, “Did I mess something up? I feel like I might have.”

Don’t rely too much on people you might be hurting to teach you how to act right:

It’s important to listen
But it’s also important not to make them responsible for your actions
You are responsible for learning how to treat people well. People you might be hurting are not responsible for teaching you how to stop.

Get outside perspective of some sort:

Outside perspective is important because it is a way to get feedback without putting pressure on people you might be hurting to tell you things are ok
It’s also an important way to protect yourself against gaslighting. People who worry that they might be abusers are particularly susceptible to gaslighting. Some gaslighters prey on this worry really aggressively.
It’s important to care about treating people well. It’s also important to care about protecting yourself and being treated well.
It’s also a way to learn things that no one involved knows
Outside perspective is important for other reasons I’m having trouble articulating
For some people, therapy is a helpful way to get outside perspective. Therapy is not for everyone, and it can be actively harmful for some people, but it works really well for people it works for
For some people, it helps to talk things over with friends outside the situation
Reading fiction and watching TV can also be helpful
So can reading blogs and books that are explicitly about interpersonal dynamics, although unfortunately there are not many good ones.

Any of y’all have other suggestions?

Being allowed to do hard things

August 19, 2013June 14, 2021 Real Social Skills

Mel Baggs added to the post on “Some things about speech“:

I used to have a really hard time convincing people that sometimes lack of speech wasn’t overload or shutdown (or as psychiatry so inaccurately put it, ~anxiety~ or ~dissociation~), but rather just being myself.

And that far from always being a result of stress, speech caused me stress and lack of speech meant I was less stressed.

I knew the autism expert I saw was no expert when I heard her tell me that if we reduced my anxiety, I wouldn’t have to rely on my keyboard so much. Later on I found out she believed meltdowns and shutdowns were not sensory at all but rather ~off task behavior~, ~manipulation~, and ~tantrums~… And I lost my last shred of respect for her.

Also, even when it *is* the result of stress, that doesn’t necessarily mean that something is *wrong*.

Sometimes it just means that life is happening. Like, when I’m doing hard things, my speech gets worse. When I’m working a lot, I look more conspicuously autistic.

This doesn’t mean I shouldn’t work or study or do hard things. It’s important for us to be allowed to do hard things, and to be allowed to be stressed and have lives. Stress is part of life.

Sometimes people try to put us in bubbles where we don’t ever do anything hard or stressful. And take any autistic sign of stress as an indication that something is wrong. And that things need to be lighter and softer and less substantive.

Those places are not good and they are not understanding or accepting. They are hell on earth.

Some things about speech

August 19, 2013June 14, 2021 Real Social Skills

Sometimes people have speech at some times, but not others.

Sometimes people have very fluid fluent speech sometimes, and choppy forced slow speech at other times.

Sometimes when people can’t speak, or have trouble speaking, it’s because something is wrong. Sometimes it’s because they’re stressed, or overloaded, or forgot how because they’re frozen and need help getting unfrozen. Or because they’ve pushed themselves too far and are just too exhausted to function.

But losing speech, or losing fluent speech, is not always like that. Being in a mode where speech is difficult or impossible is not always a sign that something is going wrong. For some people, that’s just a mode they can be in, sometimes.

It can mean they are prioritizing different things, putting more resources into thinking rather than speaking. It can mean they are in a more sensory mode rather than a WORDS WORDS WORDS mode. It can mean they’re interacting, and that it’s about presence and not conversation. Or any number of other things.

To make a somewhat flawed analogy: People don’t usually speak during movies. When people aren’t speaking during movies, it’s not because something is wrong. It’s because they’re doing a different thing.

It’s important to know that both of these things exist. That sometimes lack of speech or difficult speech means something is wrong, but sometimes it means something is right.

Shame is not a cure

August 18, 2013June 21, 2021 Real Social Skills

So, here’s the thing.

People with disabilities are taught that we’re just lazy. That eventually, if we care enough, we’ll be cured. That we can shame our way out of being disabled.

This is counterproductive.

If you can accept the way you are, the way your mind works, the way your body works –

You can figure out how to do things in the way that *actually works for you*.

And you can do a lot more, than if you’re stuck in the mindset of thinking that shame will cure you.

Shame doesn’t create abilities. Self-hatred doesn’t create abilities.

Acceptance creates abilities. Understanding and working with your real configuration rather than against it can greatly expand what you can actually do. Even though there are abilities you will never have. There’s a lot you can do, if you understand and accept yourself as you are.

Some thoughts on working for friends

August 15, 2013June 14, 2021 Real Social Skills

Working for friends can destroy the friendship really easily. It can work out well, but it is risky. It’s important to not just assume that it will work out fine because you like each other.

An equal friendship is a very different type of relationship than employer-employee. Having both relationships with someone is complicated.

There are three major things I know of that can happen:

The boss uses their position as an employer to pressure their friends into doing things that aren’t work-related, or aren’t within the employee’s actual duties.

eg: getting a friend to plan the office Christmas party and cook all the food
getting a friend to cover lots of shifts that other people flake on

The worker relies on the friendship to get away with things that aren’t normally acceptable from an employee.

eg: stealing stuff from the office
talking down to other workers
bossing around coworkers inappropriately
or having a much better work schedule than everyone else
or showing up late all the time
or, more generally speaking, using friendship to avoid criticism
including taking it personally when the boss-friend says they’re doing something wrong

If you’re working for a friend, or employing a friend, make sure you can handle the different power relationship that goes along with employment. And that you can keep track of which things are work contexts, and which things are friendship contexts.

Some words can apply broadly

August 14, 2013June 14, 2021 Real Social Skills

A reader asked

Is it wrong for me, as a neurotypical person (AFAIK, there have been hints that I might have something undiagnosed), to use terminology coigned by atypical people? The way f’example stimming and overloading have been explained to me describe things that I do and the reasons behind them really well, but I don’t know if it’s appropriate for me to call them that.

realsocialskills answered:

Most people who stim a lot and get overloaded a lot are autistic. Most. Not all. Some people with ADHD also experiencing stimming and overload. So do some neurotypical blind people. So do other folks.

Overload and stimming are words that describe particular experiences, not a particular diagnosis.

If you have those experiences, it’s ok to use the words.