asks – Page 3 – Real Social Skills

When people won’t stop asking for reasons

July 8, 2013June 21, 2021 Real Social Skills

A reader asked:

When you don’t want to give the reason for saying no, and the other person is pressuring you, what is a polite way to get them to stop?

Unfortunately, there often isn’t a completely polite way to get them to stop. People who do this are often very good at manipulating the rules of polite conversation in ways that make it impossible to assert a boundary without being rude.

And even if you are being entirely polite, you’re still likely to offend them. Someone who feels entitled to an answer is probably going to feel wronged if they don’t get one.

That said, these are phrases that sometimes end that kind of conversation without making you appear too rude:

“Thank you for your suggestion. I’ll think about it”.
“Maybe; let me get back to you.”
“I’ll have to think about that.”
“I have to leave now. Nice talking to you.”
“Thank you, but I’m not interested, and I don’t want to talk about this further.”

Sometimes you can also just change the subject and ignore anything they say about the thing they’re demanding reasons about. This can be especially effective if there’s something they will usually take any opportunity to discuss. That doesn’t work in all situations, but it does work sometimes.

Basically, though, it’s not always possible to defend boundaries politely. It’s ok to be rude when you need to be in order to protect your boundaries. No one has to be polite all the time at all costs.

It’s ok to say no without giving an explanation

June 25, 2013June 21, 2021 Real Social Skills

outcasticonoclast asked:

RE:- boundaries without anger. Obviously there are exemptions to the following statement where “no” would be enough; but I think the reason a lot of people have problems with personal boundaries in this way is that when someone says no, they are reluctant to provide the reason. If denying/refusing a gift, offer or invitation, answering why is only polite, yet people get frustrated when people ask.

Here are several reasons that folks get annoyed when you ask why:

They might not know a clear reason, but know that they don’t want to do the thing. That’s ok. You don’t have to know your reason in order to decide to say no.
The reason for saying no might be rude to say. For instance, if you ask someone out and they find you physically unattractive, it would be considered very rude to say so. But it’s an entirely legitimate, and common, reason not to want to date someone.
If they’re rejecting a job offer, it might be because they’ve received another offer from someone they think it would be much more pleasant to work with. It can be very difficult to say this politely, and it’s not a good idea to offend people in your network by implying that you think it wouldn’t be nice to work with them.
The particular gift might be something they’re upset by the idea of possessing (eg: if you give them an itchy sweater), but it’s never considered polite to say that.
The reason might also be complicated to say. For instance, if they like a particular activity, but they find it overloading, so they only do the activity with people they know really well and who know how to react appropriately if the overload gets too bad. Most people don’t even understand that explanation on any level. More people say “of course I can handle that!” and then get offended if they don’t immediately accept that as true and agree to do the activity.
They might think that accepting your gift/offer/invitation will create a kind of relationship they don’t want, and not feel comfortable explaining that. Especially if they’re not quite sure why they feel that way.
The reason might be private. For instance, if you’re a man and you ask out a closeted lesbian, she has every right not to want to come out to you.
Or, if someone finds a particular kind of movie triggering because of past abuse, they might not want to tell people about this. They might rather just quietly say no.
They might think that if they give a reason, you’ll just argue about the reason. Given that you didn’t just take no for an answer to begin with, this is a legitimate concern

At bottom, people don’t owe you an explanation. When you ask for one, you’re implying that people need your permission to have boundaries. Further, you’re implying that you will only give this permission if you think they have a good reason.

Even if you don’t mean it that way, that’s how it comes off. It puts pressure on people that no one likes to experience. If they wanted to give you a reason, they would have done so when they said no to begin with.

Complicated power relationships in a work context

June 23, 2013June 21, 2021 Real Social Skills

A reader asked:

Someone contracting with you to do something is like a boss, but it’s a different relationship; such a person is a client and a client is more like a customer. It’s your job to do what the customer wants but the customer isn’t in charge of the business. Or maybe I’m off base. Of course, if the disabled woman didn’t hire and can’t fire this person, the person’s working for the parents, then, aren’t they?

I think the power relationships between assistants/PAs/whatever and folks with disabilities are a lot more complicated than that.

Even with a direct hire, it’s more complicated than other types of employment. For instance, hiring someone to write a webpage for you is really different than hiring someone to do things you need in order to survive.

Especially, given that when people murder folks who are disabled enough to need extensive care, they often get away with it.

And there are all kinds of complications I don’t understand well.

I don’t know more to say about this, though. Do any of y’all?

Asserting adulthood

June 20, 2013June 21, 2021 Real Social Skills

A reader asked:

(TW: possible ableism(?)) This may be a bit of a strange question, but I am an older non-neurotypical person who has a hard time being taken seriously or seen as the adult that I am, and it makes me very insecure and upset when I am talked to, by my coworkers, in a patronizing manner or as if I am a child when I have shown myself to be their equal when it comes to the work we do. Would you happen to have any tips, if it’s not too much of a bother?

This might be something readers have more insight about than I do.

It’s also a bit abstract for me, because there are a number of ways that people fail to treat others like adults. I’m not sure which form it is.

From the way you’ve asked your question, it kind of sounds to me like maybe you feel like you have to prove that you deserve to be treated like an adult. I think it helps to realize that this is not actually something you have to prove. People who treat you like a child are doing something wrong.

And it would be wrong even if you weren’t good at your job. Your adulthood should not be on trial here.

Keeping this in mind makes it harder for people to mess with you.

As far as changing what they actually do, here are some thoughts:

You probably can’t convince them that they’re doing something wrong, and explaining it to them is unlikely to help
Because they’re likely to make it into a conversation about your feelings, and explain to you in patronizing tones why you’re imagining it and being too sensitive.
There might be things you can do unilaterally that help. For instance, it’s ok to interrupt them when they’re speaking to you in a patronizing tone
For instance, if you ask them where a file is, and they launch into a patronizing explanation of the filing system, it’s ok to say, “Yes, I know that. But I’m not sure which category this particular file goes into because [reason], do you know?”

Also, changing the way you dress might help:

If you’re dressing less formally than most people in your field, wearing more formal clothing might be helpful
If you are a man, Men’s Warehouse can explain the default rules of professional attire and help you find something to wear that’s considered appropriate to your body type.
I’m not sure how to do this if you’re a woman, though. The rules of female attire are really complicated
If you’re in a field in which formal attire isn’t expected, changing some things about your clothing still might help
For instance, if everyone wears t-shirts, it might help to avoid t-shirts that have pictures of things associated with childhood (eg: Care Bears, pictures of cartoon characters (including things like Adventure Time or My Little Pony that are also popular among some adults).
This is not guaranteed to work, and might make matters worse if it means you feel like you’re stuck trying to prove your adulthood
In any case, it’s not a moral obligation and not a precondition for being an adult. It’s something that may or may not be advisable in certain contexts, and it’s a personal choice

If you use stim toys, it might help to change the ones you use:

Toys that are also used by children are more likely to be perceived as childish
Eg: silly putty, beanie babies, legos, beads, marbles
Neoballs (little neodium magnet spheres you can build things with) are specifically not for children. The silver, gold, or nickel balls are more likely to be accepted than the brightly colored ones.
Tangle Toys can look professional in some contexts
This is not guaranteed to work, and might make matters worse if it means you feel like you’re stuck trying to prove your adulthood
In any case, it’s not a moral obligation and not a precondition for being an adult. It’s something that may or may not be advisable in certain contexts, and it’s a personal choice

It also might be time to look for another job with people who treat you better. Not all jobs are created equal. Not all working environments have the same culture. There might be other people who would respect you and your professional accomplishments more.

Do any of y’all have further suggestions? (Or think I’m wrong about any of this?)

Describing yourself accurately isn’t appropriation

June 14, 2013June 21, 2021 Real Social Skills

A reader asked:

I have ADHD and I need to rock and twitch my hands to concentrate. Is it appropriate to call it stimming?

I think that’s perfectly fine. That’s a really common reason autistic people stim, too. There’s a lot of overlap between ADHD traits and autistic traits.

I think that it’s actually good if we use the same words to describe things that are the same or similar. A lot of groups cross-disability have far more in common than we realize, and I think we could all benefit a lot from sharing concepts and coping mechanisms.

That said, calling it stimming might lead to some awkward situations. It’s a term mostly used by autistic folks. Sometimes when you (in my view accurately) refer to it as stimming, that might cause people to think you’re autistic. That’s something you should be prepared for if you want to start using words that are mostly used to describe autism.

Stimming for non-autistics?

June 14, 2013June 21, 2021 Real Social Skills

A reader asked:

Can non autistics stim too or is that a term/thing reserved for autistics?

Yes, it’s common for other kinds of people too.

It’s not only autistic people who do it. And there’s absolutely nothing wrong with a nonautistic person moving in ways that are common for autistic people.

It’s just that stimming tends to be really important to autistic people (and folks with some other disabilities), in a way that it usually isn’t for people without disabilities.

And here’s a thing about that:

A lot of neurotypical people like to rock or play with toys or whatever
Most NT people can sit still in a socially acceptable way without harming themselves
In particular, most NT people don’t need to stim in order to understand what’s going on around them, communicate, or prevent themselves from getting really overloaded

It’s important to keep this in mind, and to understand that stimming is really, really important for some people.

If you’re not disabled, and these kinds of motions aren’t particularly important for you, it’s probably better to call them fidgeting.

Terminology question

March 18, 2013June 21, 2021 Real Social Skills

gramireus asked:

Hi! I hope this hasn’t been asked before, and that I’m asking this right, but I was looking for an alternative word for something. I know the word “fronting” isn’t supposed to be used for this, so what word would you use to describe pretending to be neurotypical or not mentally ill?

Mostly I’ve seen people call that “passing”.

As in “Joe learned how to fake NT body language, so he passes for NT a lot of the time.”

Or, “I can’t usually pass, but I can do it for an hour or two when applying for jobs”.

It’s called “covering” if you admit to being other-than-NT, but still do everything you would do in order to appear NT if you were trying to pass.