social skills – Page 48 – Real Social Skills

When you don’t understand tones of voice on the phone

July 26, 2013June 21, 2021 Real Social Skills

Love your blog! I’m an Aspie/NLDer and 25. One of my biggest problems is understanding tone of voice. Like I can’t talk on the phone. Everything gets lost on me. As a result, I never know if people are joking, being serious, are mad at me, etc. It’s very frustrating for the other person and even more so for me. Do you have any advice? Do you know of any good websites that help people with this?

I have a couple of suggestions:

Watch more TV:

TV shows can be a good way to learn about tones of voice
Partly because they have predictable tropes, so it’s easier to have a sense of what’s probably going on than in real conversations
It’s also possible to watch the same episode over and over in order to learn new things from it.
Once you already know what happens, it can be easier to pay attention to other things like tones of voice and other conversational cues
Watching TV can also give you useful scripts and phrases
Tropes happen in real conversations too; understanding the tropes can make conversations easier to follow

Some specific thoughts about which shows might be helpful:

Shows made for teenagers in the 90s tend to have a lot of telephone conversations. Often, both people are visible, so you can also watch facial expressions.
If you have trouble telling TV characters apart, try watching cartoons made for adults. (kids cartoons often don’t have enough dialogue to be helpful).
Futurama, The Simpsons, and King of the Hill are particularly good for this because large parts of the shows are about conversation
Community is also a good show to watch. It’s easier to tell the characters apart because they actually all look different. A lot of shows have identical looking white people with the same haircut, clothing, makeup, voice and mannerisms.
Community is easier to follow because the characters look different in *all* of those ways. The main characters all have different skin, faces, hair, clothing, voices, and mannerisms.
Community also has a realistic autistic character who successfully interacts with non-autistic characters. Watching him interact might help you figure out stuff about interacting

Use alternative means of communication:

Not everything has to be done over the phone
Sometimes it’s easier to use email or text conversations, or to meet people in person
It’s ok if that’s what you need.
I hardly ever use the phone socially except to arrange other kinds of interaction, except when I’m talking to a couple of people I know really well
Sometimes you can avoid incomprehensible phone conversations by claiming that your phone’s reception is bad. People usually believe that. It’s not even really a lie – it’s just that the reception problem is taking place between your ears rather than between the phones
You can also let your phone go to voicemail and text back instead of calling back.
Or say things like “I’d really like to talk to you, but this isn’t a good time. Can we get together sometime next week? How about Tuesday?”
If you understand body language at all, you might find that Skype is more usable for you than the phone

I don’t know of any effective resources effectively aimed at helping people to understand tones of voice. I suspect that they don’t exist, given what I know of how these things tend to be presented to autistic people. Social skills classes are usually oriented towards making people seem acceptable by following rules. They should be oriented towards helping people to understand things well enough to interact on their own terms, but they generally aren’t. Also, autism tests involving tones of voice are exceptionally ridiculous.

I could be wrong though. Do any of y’all know of any useful resources that teach tones of voice explicitly?

Some things I think I know about dirty jokes

July 24, 2013June 20, 2021 Real Social Skills

This post I think is not quite right. It’s something I know a bit about, but there are parts I don’t understand too. Anyway, here are some things I think I know about dirty jokes.

Jokes about the following subjects are usually considered dirty (some of these jokes are relatively innocuous):

Sex
Masturbation
Genitals
Breasts
Defecation
Urination
Vomiting
Drinking alcohol
Doing drugs
These jokes can be good or bad, it depends on the joke, and the context in which it is told.

Rude jokes that are dirty because they deal with impolite subject matter can be ok to tell in some circumstances, but not others:

There are three basic situations in which these jokes are usually ok:

People who are social equals and have an equal friendship, and both like telling rude jokes to one another, or:
People in a profession that deals with impolite areas, making trade-related jokes to colleagues (eg: people who work concert security making jokes to one another about bodily functions and weird things people do at shows)
When someone is doing a comedy routine and other people are listening to it on purpose

It’s almost always a bad idea to tell rude jokes to people you have power over:

Partly this is because it’s not ok to tell rude jokes to people who dislike rude jokes. And people you have power over might not feel comfortable or safe telling you to stop.
It’s also threatening in a few ways that go beyond this.
Telling rude jokes is a sign that you regard someone as a social equal, and emphatically expect that they share that view
This can be a sign that you aren’t willing to acknowledge the power you have over them. That’s threatening.
It can also be sexually threatening. The rules about dirty jokes are part of the rules about sexual boundaries. Telling a dirty joke in an inappropriate contexts is often the first step a sexual predator takes in testing someone’s willingness to enforce sexual boundaries. Even if you have no such intent, telling a rude joke, especially a sexual rude joke, can be seen this way.
That’s especially true if when someone objects to the joke, you tell them to lighten up because it was just a joke.

There’s also another kind of dirty joke: the hate joke. Hate jokes are about hurting people. Hate jokes say bad things about other groups, or express violent desires, then make somewhat more socially acceptable by phrasing it as a joke:

Jokes that contain slur words are usually, but not always, hate jokes
Jokes that rely on asserting that stereotypes are true are usually hate jokes
For instance, dumb blonde jokes.
Or “ironic” racism (eg: telling a racist joke, where the joke is that it’s so hilarious that someone who is so not-racist would say such a thing)
Some hate jokes are explicitly violent.
That kind of joke normalizes violence. The violent abuser in that joke is the sympathetic character.

Hate jokes are only ok when it’s actually ok to hate the people the joke is about. That’s almost never the case. But sometimes hate jokes about an abuser, or general hate jokes about rapists, can be ok jokes to make.
There’s a difference between telling hate jokes with the intent of harming members of the target group, and telling hate jokes without active ill intent because you think they’re funny. But it’s a difference of degree, not kind.
Sometimes members of target groups tell hate jokes as a form of self-hatred. That’s also a difference of degree
Sometimes members of the target groups tell hate jokes as a way of mocking the way people hate them. This is a difference of kind, not degree.

Basically, the bottom line is that it still matters what you’re saying if you’re making a joke while you’re saying it.

Boundaries when anger issues come from being triggered

July 23, 2013June 21, 2021 Real Social Skills

rosewhite6280 said:

Some people with anger problems do so because they themselves are being triggered. Help them deal with their past problem; compassion helps.

That’s good advice in some situations, but I don’t think it’s applicable in the situation they asked about. I think what you’re saying makes a lot of sense in situations in which you’re responsible for another person’s physical and emotional wellbeing. For instance, if you’re raising a kid, or working with a kid who has been through traumatic things, the first thing to keep in mind is that they’re doing things for reasons and that compassion goes a long way.

But you can’t have that relationship with every traumatized person you encounter. It’s not appropriate with a roommate.

And that person was asking specially about what to do about the fact that they are triggered by their roommate’s depression and anger. It was a question about how to make a living situation work, not a question about how to make a support relationship work.

Getting involved enough to help someone deal with their past problem is a completely different kind of relationship than they were asking about. And there’s no indication that either they or their roommate wants that.

And, when you are triggered by someone even at a relatively distant relationship, it’s generally not a good idea to establish an even closer relationship with that person.

Their roommate’s past is not their problem, and helping their roommate get over their past is not their responsibility.

“I would never abuse anyone!”

July 23, 2013June 20, 2021 Real Social Skills

This kind of conversation is a major red flag:

Bob: I’m going to go to the mall.
Stan: Don’t go to the mall. I want you to stay home.
Bob: Um, why not? I need new trousers.
Stan: Why are you taking that tone?! Are you saying I’m abusive? You wouldn’t be upset if I wasn’t abusive, so you must think I’m abusing you. I’d never abuse anyone! How dare you?!

Another version:

Bob: Could you not make jokes about my weight? It makes me feel bad.
Stan: I would never do anything to hurt you! How dare you call this bullying!

It’s especially bad when:

It happens every time Stan and Bob want different things.
Because it gets to the point where it’s impossible for Bob to say no without accusing Stan of being abusive
Or where Bob can’t express a preference that conflicts with Stan’s.
This means that Bob has to always do what Stan wants, or else call Stan a bad person
This is an awful way to live

In a mutually respectful relationship:

People want different things from time to time
People hurt each other in minor ways
People make mistakes, and need to be told about them
Everyone understands this, and can accept that their friend/partner/whatever wants something different, or is upset about something they did
They understand that wanting different things, or being upset about something, is not an accusation of abuse.

If someone close to you claims that you’re accusing them of being abusive every time you have a conflict with them, they probably are, in fact, being abusive.

Another thing about privilege

July 21, 2013June 21, 2021 Real Social Skills

If you have a lot of privilege, you’ve learned to take up all or most of the space when you’re around people below you in the hierarchy.

It’s important to learn to stop doing that. It’s important to learn how to be in a space without dominating it. It means learning to listen to people you’ve been systemically taught that it’s ok to talk over.

This can be hard to learn. When you stop dominating spaces, you have to live with less control, space, and attention than you’ve become accustomed to. You’re going to feel constrained, and like the other people are taking up all the space – even if you’re still taking up most of it.

And, once it becomes clear that you’re trying, people will express anger at you a lot more than then used to. This might feel really unfair, since you’re acting better than you ever have before, yet you’re attracting a lot more anger and criticism.

The reason it works this way is because people used to put up with you treating them badly because they didn’t see any point in objecting. Most people who have privilege and power over others don’t especially care about how it hurts people. Further, a lot of them get really angry and retaliate when it’s pointed out. You’ve shown that you’re someone who might actually listen. That means you’re the one who gets yelled at.

It’s not fair, but the people who are yelling at you aren’t the ones responsible for the unfairness. Don’t get angry at them for it – get angry at the people like you who aren’t getting yelled at because they don’t give a damn. And maybe start calling them on it and make their indifference cost them something. You’re probably in a much better position to do this than the people below you in the hierarchy.

And keep in mind that the situation faced by the people who are yelling at you is a hell of a lot more unfair than the situation you’re in.

That said, don’t beat yourself up for feeling frustrated, either. This is hard, and it’s ok to find it difficult. You’re going to make mistakes, and some of this is really going to suck. That doesn’t mean you’re a bad person or that you can’t learn how to act right. (Also, sometimes people will tell you that you’re oppressing them when you’re not. You can’t automatically assume that everyone is right when they tell you off – but if you’re in a highly privileged group and you think *everyone* who is telling you off is wrong, you’re probably the one who is wrong.)

Just keep trying, and don’t make the people below you responsible for making you feel better.

Non-literal greetings

July 20, 2013June 20, 2021 Real Social Skills

In the US, certain things are ritual greetings that follow a standard script. Deviating from it is considered a bit weird (but it’s also common, and possible to get away with. I deviate from it often).

“How are you?” is not usually intended as a real question. The expected answer is along the lines of “Fine, and you?”

The default answer to “what’s up?” is something like “nothing”, or “Not too much; yourself?”. It’s considered slightly less weird to answer

Being triggered by anger and roommates’ emotional states

July 19, 2013June 20, 2021 Real Social Skills

A reader asked:

Hi. I’m triggered by outbursts of anger and by people being majorly depressed around me. My roommate has outbursts of anger and major depression. Help?

My first thought is that you’re probably not compatible roommates. Living with that person probably means you’re inevitably going to get triggered by them a lot, which isn’t good for either of you.

That said, it might depend on how being triggered works for you:

Some people can learn to detect when something is about to become triggering and avert it.
It might be possible for you to do things like figure out which kinds of contact with your roommate are triggering, detect when it’s about to happen, and extract yourself
For instance, if it’s about seeing facial expressions your roommate makes when they’re angry, it might work to leave the room when things are getting too close to the edge
But not everyone’s triggers work this way.
It may not be possible to find ways to avoid being triggered while still living with someone who does a lot of triggering things
If that’s how it is, it’s not a personal failing, it just means you probably can’t safely live together.
Not everyone is compatible, and that’s ok

It also might depend on how often it happens, and what the consequences are:

If it’s infrequent, it might be bearable. Depending on how that is for you personally
It also depends on what kind of trigger it is, and how you feel about it
Like, if it’s the kind of trigger where you have to spend an hour freaking out and convincing yourself that you’re safe, you might decide that that’s bearable
It’s totally ok to decide that being regularly triggered in that way is deal-breaking, though. Either is ok, it’s a matter of what you want
If it’s the kind of trigger where you spend a week fighting suicidal feelings, it’s probably really important to get out of that living situation as soon as possible

Aside from what to do in the roommate situation, some thoughts about being triggered by anger:

Anger is a particularly difficult trigger to deal with
Because anger is an inevitable part of just about every relationship ever
Sometimes people will be justifiably angry at you, and have a legitimate need to express it
And sometimes you have to deal with the thing they’re angry about even though you get triggered by the anger
Even though it’s not your fault, even though you can’t avoid getting triggered
The underlying thing they’re angry about still has to be dealt with
Getting triggered by things people can’t reasonably avoid doing is really awful

Further thoughts about anger:

Having to deal with anger sometimes doesn’t mean that you can’t ever avoid it
Sometimes people have a legitimate need to express anger about something you’ve done, but most ways you’re likely to encounter anger in your day-to-day life aren’t like that
Not all anger has anything to do with you, and when you’re not the person someone is angry at, it’s usually reasonable to avoid engaging with anger
For instance, it’s ok if you don’t want people to vent to you when they’re angry at someone else or angry about politics
And it’s ok to avoid watching angry movies or following angry blogs
Or to block angry bloggers who trigger you, even if they’re good people who you respect
Or to use tumblr savior or xkit to block tags etc that are mostly people being angry
Or to decide not to spend time with people who get angry with you over minor things
Or to decide not to spend time around people who are frequently angry or appear angry much of the time
In particular, you might be better off not sharing living space with someone who gets angry a lot

I’m not sure what else to suggest. Do any of y’all have thoughts?