conflation – Real Social Skills

Lacking social skills vs using social skills to hurt people

February 27, 2017June 9, 2021 Real Social Skills

When someone is a jerk, they’re often pejoratively referred to as “lacking social skills”.

But being a jerk and having bad social skills are different problems. Learning stronger social skills won’t necessarily make someone a better person.

Jerks often have exceptionally strong social skills. Jerks use their social skills to hurt people effectively (and to get away with it.) Sometimes this involves performing stereotypes of social awkwardness — and being very careful to pick targets they can get away with hurting. If someone is hurting people on purpose because they want to, teaching them social skills won’t usually help. They have to change their values and decide to stop hurting people.

People who are jerks and want to stop being jerks may also need to learn new skills for interacting with people. But if someone is intentionally mean, lacking skills isn’t the primary problem.

At the same time, sometimes when people are hurting others, the problem *is* weak social skills. Some social mistakes can be really harmful. (Eg: Standing too close, not understanding privacy, not understanding the difference between different types of physical contact, not understanding which kinds of questions are considered sexual, saying slurs without realizing they’re slurs, etc.) When people are hurting others by accident, learning social skills can be really helpful.

Being a jerk is a different problem than having weak social skills, and it’s important to take the difference seriously. When someone is making social mistakes out of ignorance, the solution is often education and support. When someone is a jerk and wants to learn to be better, the solution often involves education and support. (A caveat here — the people who they’re hurting should *not* be expected to be the ones providing this support.)

When someone is hurting others on purpose because they want to, often the only solution is to deprive them of opportunities to hurt others. (Eg: by banning them from events or suspending their professional license or voting them out of office.). Teaching an intentionally cruel person social skills will not help, and can actually make the problem worse.

Short version: It’s obnoxious to use “bad social skills” as a way to insult jerks. Being a jerk is a different problem from having weak social skills. People with good intentions and weak social skills need nonjudgemental help. (From the community or a service provider; generally not from the people they’re inadvertently hurting.) When someone is intentionally mean, teaching them social skills isn’t likely to help — and being nonjudgemental is likely to make matters worse.

Being annoying is not the same as being hostile

March 31, 2016June 9, 2021 Real Social Skills

Everyone is annoying sometimes. Some people are painfully annoying, a lot of the time.

Being annoying isn’t the same as being mean or sadistic.

Mean people are generally annoying; annoying people aren’t necessarily mean.

Sometimes it’s impossible to avoid annoying people. Sometimes people don’t realize they’re being annoying. Sometimes people know they’re bothering others, but don’t see any alternative. Sometimes the annoying thing is physically involuntary. Some people don’t have any non-annoying ways to communicate. Sometimes being annoying is a side effect of doing something else.

There are any number of other reasons people might be annoying. Sometimes people are annoying for the sake of being annoying, but often there’s something else going on.

It helps to keep in mind that being annoying is not the same as being hostile.

Inclusive education: presence, participation, and learning

February 22, 2016June 9, 2021 Real Social Skills

There are three components of inclusive education that matter a lot, which tend to get conflated:

Being present and welcome
Access to participation
Access to content

Being present and welcome means:

A person with a disability is in the room
Their right to be there is not questioned
People want them to be there
They’re seen as a student and treated as a peer by other students
They’re treated more or less respectfully
This doesn’t necessarily mean that they’re being taught the material, or that they’re meaningfully participating in educational activities

For instance:

A child with a disability may go to kindergarten, and spend a lot of time watching other children do educational activities.
Everyone might be very happy that they’re there.
Other children might like them, and play with them during recess or free play time.
They’re still left out of most activities
They’re still not being taught the same material as everyone else

Access to participation means:

When students are doing an activity, the disabled student isn’t left on the sidelines
They’re given something to do that makes them part of what’s happening
This doesn’t always give them access to the content, in and of itself.
They may or may not actually be learning the material the activity is supposed to teach.
They may or may not really be welcome in the classroom with their peers

For instance:

A group of third graders are being taught a lesson about sorting things into categories
The teacher draws a few giant Venn diagrams on big paper, with topic headings
The teacher writes a list of words on the board.
Students are told to draw those words, then tape them to the place in a Venn diagram category that they think it should go in
Then they’re given a list of words, and told to draw pictures of the words in the place in on the diagram that they think those things go
A disabled student’s aide gives them crayons and tells them to draw a couple of the pictures, then give them to the other kids to categorize
The typically-developing kids take the pictures and decide where to put them
Everyone is more or less happy with this. The student is participating and they are socially included.
But they’re not being taught the material about categorizing things. They’re just drawing pictures.

Access to content means:

The disabled student is taught the same material as other students
They’re given a way to engage with the material that they can understand
They learn the material, and develop their own thoughts on it
This doesn’t necessarily mean that they’re given a way to participate meaningfully in educational activities with peers
It also doesn’t necessarily mean that they are present or welcome

For instance:

A disabled student may attend a mainstream class, but be pulled out for one-to-one tutoring for most of their actual academic instruction.
If it’s good instruction, they’re getting access to the content.
But they’re not participating in educational activities with their peers.
They also may not really be welcomed in their mainstream class; people including the teacher may believe that they don’t have the right to be there (which is a factor that can lead to a lot of pull out instruction in and of itself).

This isn’t just about children, it’s true in every educational setting, including universities, grad school, and continuing education for adults.

Short version: Inclusion in school has many components. Three of them are being present and welcome, having a way to participate in educational activities with peers, and having access to the content being taught. All three of these things are important. Solving one problem doesn’t always solve the other two. It’s important to keep paying attention, and to work towards making sure students are welcome, that they are able to participate, and that they are learning the content being taught.

Civility is not the same as affect

September 29, 2015June 21, 2021 Real Social Skills

Having a civil conversation is about mutual listening and mutual respect.

Sometimes that gets conflated with affect — people act like the defining feature of respectful conversation is things like the position of your body, the volume of your voice, and whether you’re using polite words.

Sometimes things like that can be involved in what makes a conversation respectful, but they don’t define it.

The rules of politeness allow people to be dismissive and cruel. Similarly, it is possible to have a mutually respectful conversation that violates the rules of politeness.

For instance, it is often possible to have a mutually respectful conversation with raised voices and cuss words. It is also often possible to use a lot of I-statements and gentle-sounding language to have a conversation that is fundamentally disrespectful and cruel.

Conflating affect with respect ends up drowning out a lot of voices, and privileging people who are good at manipulating the rules of politeness.

(Affect matters, and it’s ok if some kinds of affect are dealbreaking for you in terms of your ability to have conversations with someone. I’m not saying that everything should be acceptable to everyone. All I’m saying is that affecting politeness is not the same as treating someone respectfully.)

Short version: Body language, tone of voice, and affect can be part of what makes a conversation civil and mutually respectful, but they don’t define it.

Triggers aren’t always rational concepts

September 14, 2015June 9, 2021 Real Social Skills

Sometimes people talk about triggers as though as though being triggered means having an extreme reaction to something that it’s perfectly normal for most people to find upsetting.

Some triggers are like that. A lot of them are not.

Triggers can be things that make no apparent sense at all from the outside. They can be anything. For instance, someone might find teddy bears triggering. Or being spoken to in a reassuring tone of voice. Or a certain song. Or wearing a t-shirt.

They are not necessarily about concepts.

Having trauma-related triggers does not necessarily mean that someone will have an unusual amount of difficulty discussing upsetting topics.

Discussing the concept of abuse or the particular kind of trauma they experienced *might* be triggering, but it might not be.

For instance, someone might be triggered by the smell of popcorn, but comfortable discussing abuse and abuse prevention policy. Or any number of other combinations.

Knowing that someone has experienced trauma doesn’t mean that you know anything else about them. Not everyone who has experienced trauma gets triggered. People who do get triggered, get triggered by a range of different things. You generally are not going to be in a position to know this kind of thing about someone else unless they tell you.

Short version: Trauma-related triggers can be just about anything. They’re not necessarily conceptually related to difficult or politically charged topics. Some people who have triggers aren’t triggered by discussing the relevant concepts, but are triggered by otherwise-innocuous things they associate with their experiences. Trauma can be complicated and doesn’t always fit with the prevailing cultural narrative.

Taking a troubleshooting approach

June 21, 2015June 21, 2021 Real Social Skills

Content note: This post is my answer to a scout leader who asked a question about my objection to describing things pejoratively as “attention seeking behavior”.

justmethesecond asked:

Hey, you made a recent post about attention seeking behaviors and how there are a lot of normal things that involve seeking attention.

But I have a question, as I staff at scouting and we have some kids that do demand personal attention when that is inconvenient or impossible for us to give (such as in a group activity, when you have ½ adults on 20 kids)

To elaborate a little bit further, the behavior things I am talking about are mostly kids that talk individually back at you when explaining things to a group (or in other ways, such as crying or trying to play (physical) games with you).

These types of behavior aren’t bad but they do sometimes limit our ability to explain things to a group of people.

And I was wondering how to deal with that?

realsocialskills said:

A couple of things:

There is no generalized way to deal with that. It depends on the situation.

Part of what you need to do is identify the problem more specifically:

Attention seeking isn’t the problem in itself
The problem is that the group activity isn’t working
Part of the problem *might* be that some kids need to learn what’s appropriate and what isn’t
Part of the problem *might* be that kids are being willfully disruptive and need to know that you won’t tolerate it
The problem might be something else entirely, and almost certainly has components that aren’t “that kid has a behavior problem” or “that kid is attention seeking”
There are a lot of possibilities, and I’ll get to some of them later in this post

Here’s why you shouldn’t call this “attention seeking behavior”:

“Seeking attention” is not an objective description of behavior; it’s a very vague theory about why someone might be doing something.
There is no such thing as generic “attention seeking behavior”
From your perspective, everything that annoys you by getting your attention when you don’t want to, can’t, or shouldn’t pay attention may feel the same
But it’s *not* all the same from the perspective of the kids who are annoying you
They’re doing what they’re doing for reasons, and the reasons are specific and individual.
(And they may or may not have anything at all to do with attention)
Eg: A child may be crying *because they’re upset*, and it might not be about you at all. They may in fact find the crying humiliating and be hoping that no one notices.
A child who is trying to play a game with you isn’t just generically trying to get attention. They’re trying to play a game. Which they may be doing for any number of reasons
A child who talks to you during the announcements might be trying to give input, ask a question, focus their attention, or any number of other things
Don’t collapse all of that into “attention seeking” as if it’s all the same.

Here are some troubleshooting tips:

Consider whether your expectations are age-appropriate:

Little children have a short attention span
They can’t sit and listen very long
They can’t wait very long for a turn to do something active
If you’re having problems with multiple kids, it’s very likely that you’re asking them to do something that they’re really too young for
If you’re asking kids to attend for longer than is reasonable for kids their age, *you’re* the one who is inappropriately seeking out attention when it’s not possible
(And just like you’re not doing it maliciously, kids who are disruptive are probably not doing it maliciously either)
It might be time to change how you do announcements and activities

Make sure the group knows your expectations:

It’s easy to assume that kids know the rules when they don’t
Things that are obvious to adults are not always obvious to children, especially young children
Kids are not born knowing how groups work
And different groups have different rules
Don’t assume that kids *know* that they’re not supposed to talk individually back at you when you’re addressing a group (there are actually environments where that’s allowed)
Don’t assume that kids *know* you’re not supposed to try to play side games or whatever
It can help to have a group conversation about rules
It’s particularly helpful if you get the kids’ input about the rules in that conversation
It’s likely that kids know things you don’t about what needs to be spelled out explicitly
And also things you don’t about what the rules need to be
Don’t do this as a punishment. Do this as a group conversation about rules. If it’s well into the year, you can say something like “So we realized that we forgot to set rules for the group. This week we’re going to start by setting the rules together.”
Many of the kids in your group will have done an exercise like this before; it’s a fairly common thing to do with kids
(Be careful though, don’t say things like “but you agreed to these rules!”. This isn’t really an agreement. This is you setting rules from a position of authority, and getting some input from kids about what the rules should be.

Redirect:

If you’re not saying in the moment that something is a problem, it’s important to start doing that
If you don’t object, some kids might be assuming you’re ok with it
Don’t be mean, but do speak up, eg:
“You can ask questions when I finish talking”
“I can’t play with you right now”.
It also helps if you can phrase it by telling them what you *do* want them to do, eg:
“Try and tag someone. I bet you can tag (specific kid).”.
If kids have trouble telling when it is and isn’t ok to talk, try having an object that someone holds when it’s their turn to talk.

Talk to the kids who are having trouble individually:

Talk to them about what’s going on (out of earshot of other kids)
Talk to them about why some of the things they’re doing are a problem
They might actually not know — no one is born knowing how to act in a group, and some kids need to have it explained explicitly
Even if you’ve had a group conversation about rules, it’s possible that they don’t get it
Or that they can’t follow the rules as they stand
It’s important to ask them what they think is going on
And if there’s a reason it’s not working for them
And if they have ideas about solving the problem
Kids don’t always know, but sometimes they do
And knowing that you care makes a difference

Parents also might be able to help you:

Parents (usually) know their kid better than you do
This is particularly true of elementary-aged kids
Most parents want to help their kids
Most parents have at least half a clue about what is helpful to their kids
Don’t use calling parents as a punishment
Do talk to parents when there’s a problem in your group and you don’t know what to do about it
(Be more cautious about this with older kids; teenagers have a developmental need for more privacy)
(Also be cautious about this if you suspect abuse. Talking to parents who are likely to be harshly punitive is not likely to make things better)
Say explicitly that this is not a punishment and that you’re asking for help
They will likely have helpful suggestions
(Not always; some parents are unreasonable. But a lot of parents are very helpful, if you listen to them).
Don’t assume parents are right; do listen to them. They often know things you don’t.

Ask for advice from a teacher:

Teachers spend all day working with groups of kids
Not all of them are good at it; but some of them are
Good teachers will know things you don’t about how to make activities and announcements work
If you know a teacher who you respect, ask them for advice
Ask these questions specifically:
“I’m having trouble with some kids in the scouting troop I’m running. Could I ask you for some advice?”
“Is this something that’s reasonable to ask of kids this age?”
“Do you have any advice about how to manage this problem in a positive way?”
“Do you know about something else that works well?”
Listen to what they say and consider why they’re saying it, but ultimately trust your own judgement. You are the one working with kids directly, and you’re the one who is ultimately responsible. Don’t do something that you think is wrong.

Google resources for teachers:

There are a *lot* of resources for teachers on the Internet
Most things that are relevant for teachers are also relevant for scout leaders
You can google activities for kids the age you work with, then consider which things on the lists are likely to work for kids you work with
Positive classroom management is also a good thing to google (particularly for the age you work with)
Not all teacher resources are good; seek out information, and use your own judgement about which advice to take

Consider the possibility that your environment is causing pain:

Scouting often takes place in physically uncomfortable outdoor environments
That may be intolerably painful for some of your kids
Are they being painfully bitten by bugs? If so, do they have bug spray? Are they using it? Is it working?
Are they getting sunburned? If so, maybe you need to change the procedure for making sure that all kids put on sunscreen.
Is the sun shining painfully into their faces?
Are they inhaling campfire smoke?
Are they sitting in a painful position?
Sitting cross-legged on the ground or floor is physically painful for some kids
(Likewise sitting on benches with no back support)
It might be that they’re trying to do things that will get them out of that position
If you suspect that this is a problem, try having kids sit in chairs and see what happens
Or try sitting around a table kids can lean on and see what happens
This is particularly likely to be the case for older kids or heavier kids
Positions often become intolerable as kids get bigger
It also might help to alternate between sitting activities and standing or moving activities in shorter intervals so that kids aren’t sitting as long

Are they hungry or thirsty?

Often when kids are disruptive, it’s because they’re hungry or thirsty
At certain ages where kids are growing rapidly, they’re hungry a *lot* of the time
Kids won’t necessarily realize that enough to ask
And they also may have been taught that asking is pointless because no one cares whether they are hungry or thirsty
Being proactive about this might help
Try making water easily available without kids having to ask for it (eg: by requiring them to carry water bottles)
If you’re not already doing a snack at the beginning of the meeting, try doing that
If you are already doing that, try making it something more substantial
Low calorie snacks suitable for adults who are trying to lose weight are *not* good snacks for the purpose of feeding hungry children
(Eg: celery sticks are not a good snack to get growing kids through a scout meeting; celery sticks with peanut butter might be. A handful of pretzels is not a good snack; cheese sticks might be.)
If you’re on a camping trip or something, you may need to feed the kids more often than you realize
If this is a problem, it’s probably *also* a problem for the kids who *aren’t* disruptive, so don’t just do this for the disruptive kids. Assume that all of the kids may be hungrier and thirstier than you realize

Don’t be mean:

If something feels mean, don’t do it
If you’d think it was mean if someone did it to you, don’t do it
If something is humiliating toward a kid, don’t do it
Don’t punish kids in front of other kids
It’s ok to say something like, “Not now” and redirect
It’s not ok to yell, or say something like “I’ve told you this over and over, why don’t you get it?”
(If you need to take a kid out of an activity and talk to them about it, have the conversation out of earshot of other kids)
Don’t have a big reward event and exclude some kids from it

Some kids need 1:1 support:

Some kids need a lot of help to do some things
If that’s the situation, the problem isn’t that they’re misbehaving
The problem is that they need more support than they’re getting
This may or may not be a problem you (or their parents) can solve
But it is something that should be on the table as a possibility for some kids
A caution about that: Sometimes people leap to the assumption that any kid they’re having trouble with needs a 1:1, and it’s usually not true.

Sometimes the solution is to change the activity.

No amount of clarifying rules and expectations will help if you’re asking a kid to do something they’re not capable of doing.
Or if you’re routinely asking them to do something that is extremely difficult and only barely possible for them
Or if you’re asking them to routinely do something they find actively distressing
If there are insurmountable barriers to a kid participating in an activity, then the activity probably needs to change
Some kids need to be actively doing something in order to pay attention
Some kids need attention in order to pay attention
A kid having these needs is not a behavior problem; it’s a support need

Thoughts on changing activities:

Some activities require a lot of turn-taking, passive listening, and waiting
Those are not great activities for kids who need a lot of feedback in order to know what to do
They’re also not great activities for kids who need to be actively participating in order to focus
If you have kids in your group who have that need, it is likely a good idea to switch to doing activities in which everyone is actively doing something most of the time
For instance:
Red Rover probably won’t work well with kids who have trouble with passive waiting
And a circle activity in which only one person at a time does something is likely to be even worse
Games in which everyone is actively playing, like tag or Simon Says, are likely to work much better
This is also true of group conversations:
Long conversations with a big group require a lot of passive listening. That’s a problem for kids who need to be active in order to focus
Having kids discuss things in small groups or with a partner might work better

Sometimes you can change an activity by creating a way for kids who’re having trouble a way to focus:

Eg: Kids who have trouble in groups might be able to focus if they take notes
Or if they have a fidget toy to fidget with
Or if they have a specific task (ie: if everyone is supposed to be preparing a campfire and they’re climbing on you, it might help to ask them to gather wood from a particular area)
A caution about this: Don’t use this as a reward or as a punishment.
Don’t assume any particular approach will work. Don’t single a kid out over their objections. (eg: If a kid doesn’t want to take notes or use a fidget toy, don’t make them just because someone on the internet says this helps some kids)
Sometimes minor modifications work; sometimes they don’t. When they don’t work, it’s time to try something else.

This isn’t an exhaustive list — there are a *lot* of things worth trying and thinking about. The important thing is to take a troubleshooting approach and to keep trying to identify and solve the actual problem.

Short version: Sometimes when you’re responsible for kids, they do stuff you don’t like. This is often treated generically as “attention seeking behavior”, but it shouldn’t be. Kids have much more diverse and complex motivations than that. Instead of calling it “attention seeking”, or ignoring them, adopt a troubleshooting approach to the problem. Taking a troubleshooting approach is much more likely to enable you to identify and solve the actual problem. Scroll up for some specific troubleshooting suggestions.

Attention ≠ respect

April 28, 2015June 21, 2021 Real Social Skills

Respect and attention get conflated a lot. They’re not actually the same thing.

When someone isn’t paying attention, it’s often assumed that they are either intentionally avoiding listening, or refusing to put any intentional effort into listening. And that, if they just respected the speaker more, they’d be paying attention.

Sometimes that’s true. And sometimes, the reason someone isn’t paying attention has nothing to do with respect. Often, it’s a neurological, psychological, or psychiatric issue. Or the result of pain or fatigue.

For instance, respecting a speaker and wanting to listen to them doesn’t cure ADHD. Cognitive attention problems caused by ADHD have to actually be accommodated and worked around. (For instance, taking medication, learning organization techniques, using captions to focus attention, collaborative note-taking, etc.)

Addressing values only helps when the problem is values. When the problem is disability; you have to address and accommodate disability in order to make progress. No amount of education in respectful attitudes will help if respect isn’t the issue.

Short version: Please stop assuming that failure to pay attention is always a sign of contempt. Sometimes it’s just a sign of an attention problem.

Everyone gets blamed for their condition

December 7, 2014June 10, 2021 Real Social Skills

People with depression and other mental illnesses get told that they can get over it with diet, exercize, and positive thinking. They also get blamed for having it, and told that it’s their own fault. This is wrong.

It’s also a common experience of everyone with every condition there is. This is not unique to mental illness.

Everyone with a disability, illness, or other condition gets blamed for it. People with every condition get told that it’s their fault, that they caused it by eating wrong, sleeping wrong, thinking wrong, or not being sufficiently careful.

People with every condition get told that medical treatment is toxic and wrong, and that if they just stop believing big pharma, they’ll recover. Even people with cancer.

People with every condition get told that they’re causing their own problems by being too negative, and that they’d get better if they’d just think positively. Even people with spinal cord injuries.

People with every condition get told that they will be healed if they just have faith and pray hard enough. Even people whose condition is obviously genetic.

People with every condition get told that they’re imagining things. Even people with unmistakable visible physical conditions.

People with every condition face this kind of prejudice. It’s not unique to any group. We should stand together and acknowledge that we all face it, and that it’s wrong to do to anyone.

Short version: People with every condition get blamed for it and told that things like positive thinking and rejecting big pharma will make everything better. It isn’t unique to mental illness. It’s wrong to do to anyone.

“You’re not willing to accept criticism!”

September 25, 2014June 11, 2021 Real Social Skills

Accepting criticism is important. Everyone’s wrong about something, and it’s important to be open to the possibility that you’re wrong about things. If you’re never persuaded by something someone says that you need to change your actions in some way, something is going seriously wrong.

But sometimes, when people say that you’re not open to criticism, what they really mean is that they’re angry because you don’t agree with them. Or that you’re refusing to change in a way that you want them to change. And sometimes, you will be entirely correct to disagree with them and to refuse to change.

For example:

“You’re a terrible writer and should not ever write anything ever again” is not criticism you should listen to
“If you’d just try a gluten free organic diet, you’d be cured” is not worthwhile criticism
“No one is ableist, you’re just imagining it because you want to feel special” is not worthwhile criticism

And there’s any number of other examples, many of which are far more complex and subjective. Everyone gets criticized in ways that it’s completely ok to reject.

And sometimes, it’s ok not to want criticism, even if there’s nothing inherently wrong with the criticism, eg:

It’s ok to make art without wanting to go through an art school style critique
It’s ok to write a story, post it somewhere, and decide not to read the comments about it
It’s ok not to want to discuss the problematic aspects of a show you like
It’s ok to not want your father’s input on who you should date

It’s possible to be insufficiently open to criticism, but that doesn’t mean everyone who accuses you of that is right. No one is, or should be, open to all forms of criticism from all people.

Sometimes people who criticize you are wrong. Sometimes they’re so wrong that they’re not worth listening to. Particularly when they’re saying the same thing over and over that you’ve long since considered and rejected.

It’s important to be open to criticism some of the time from some people. It’s also important to be selective about who and what you listen to, and when. You do not owe everyone who thinks that you are wrong your unconditional attention.