holidays – Real Social Skills

Some thoughts on asking questions at the seder

April 9, 2017June 21, 2021 Real Social Skills

Content note: This post is more Jewish-specific than my posts usually are. Feel free to reblog it if it speaks to you.

Seders are supposed to be about asking questions, but that doesn’t always happen in practice. (For any number of reasons.)

Here’s one way to look for questions to ask about the seder. You can look at any piece of it and ask:

What is this doing in the haggadah?
What does it have to do with the Exodus from Egypt?
What does it have to do with the world the rabbis were living in?
What does this have to do with the world we’re living in?

And if you’d like some examples, here are some of the questions I’ve been thinking about:

What’s the deal with dayenu?

There’s a whole long list of things that we seem to be saying “It would have been enough” about.
Which ones make sense to you? Which ones don’t? Why?
Why do you think we say all of these things?
Is there anything you think belongs on the list that isn’t there?

What’s the deal with the four sons/daughters/children?

Why are we even talking about this here? Why talk about this rather than details of the story of leaving Egypt?
What do you think of the categories? Do these seem like real types of people or types of responses to you?
What examples can you think of?

Regarding the “one who does not know how to ask”:

What are some reasons that some Jews aren’t able to ask their questions at the seder?
What could be done about that?
Which questions do you have that you aren’t able to ask? (Or aren’t yet able to ask).
What might make it possible to ask them?

What does freedom mean this year?

Some parts of the haggadah say that we used to be slaves, and that we are now free.
Other parts say that we are still slaves, and that we hope to be liberated.
What does this mean to you? Why do you think the haggadah says both?
Do you think that there are ways in which we are both free and unfree?
What liberation are we still hoping for?

Why do we open by making promises we can’t keep?

The beginning of the story part (maggid) opens with ha lakhma anya (this is the bread of affliction.
As part of this, we say “let all who are hungry come and eat” and “let all who are in need come and offer the Passover sacrifice”.
We know that people are hungry who we’re not really inviting to eat, and that we’re not going to offer the Passover sacrifice at this meal.
What’s the point of saying this?

(And actually, wearing my other hat, I’m involved in a weekly Twitter parsha discussion). This week (Thursday 7:30 EDT April) we’re going to be discussing seder-related questions instead of parsha questions.

Short version Passover Seders are supposed to be about questions. Scroll up for an approach to looking for questions, and some of the questions I’ve been asking.

“What do you want for Christmas?”

December 21, 2016June 9, 2021 Real Social Skills

Anonymous said to realsocialskills:
What with Christmas coming and being autistic, I’ve been specifically asked what I want for Christmas by a relative and I’ve no idea how to say ‘I would like X please’ without sounding rude or demanding!

realsocialskills said:

One option might be to create an Amazon wishlist. (Or a wishlist on some other platform). Then you can say “I actually have a wishlist, would you like the link?” or just email them the link if the initial ask was in an email.

That way it doesn’t seem like you’re demanding a particular thing:

It’s important to some people to pick the gift themselves.
Some people like to buy some kinds of things but not other kinds of things.
(eg: Some people might not want to buy political books they disagree with, or might have an aversion to pink things, or whatever).
Or might have ideas about what Good Gifts are.
(Eg: Some people might think that stuff you need and would buy anyway isn’t a good gift.).
A wish list lets them decide which kind of thing they want to buy.
It also gives them information about your tastes and what kinds of things you like…
…which lets them pick a thing that’s not on your list, based on what they think you’d like.
(For whatever reason, some people are more comfortable giving gifts that are their own idea).
Giving people options makes it more likely that one will be comfortable for them.

It also would be good to put things on the list that cost different amounts of money because:

People usually have an amount in mind that they want to spend.
But for whatever reason, it’s considered rude to talk about how much gifts cost.
So, unfortunately, “How much were you thinking of spending?” is a rude question.
But if you put things on your list that cost different amounts of money, then you don’t have to talk about that.
They can just look at the list and spend the amount of money they want to spend.

Short version: Sometimes people ask what kind of present you want, and it can be awkward to answer directly. Wish lists can help, especially if you put things on the list that cost different amounts of money. Amazon wish lists work pretty well for this.

When a seder is overloading

April 1, 2015June 21, 2021 Real Social Skills

A reader asked this question about Passover:

How do you deal with sensory overload in a situation where you can’t leave?

realsocialskills said:

Based on context, I think you’re probably asking about being overloaded at a large noisy seder.

There might be more options for leaving and taking a break than you might realize. I’m going to discuss those, then some thoughts on how to deal with it if leaving isn’t an option.

Some options for taking breaks:

Helping in the kitchen

At seders, there are often (not always) things going on in the kitchen that people would welcome help with
If you find doing stuff in the kitchen less overloading than being at the table, excusing yourself to go help might be a socially acceptable way to take a break
Some examples of things people might welcome help with:
Cutting vegetables
Serving soup
Bringing out other things
Washing dishes

Playing with the kids:

At a lot of seders, there are little kids who kind of run in and out
If these are kids you know, or they’re related to you, it may be socially acceptable for you to take breaks and play with the kids
This depends on the culture of your family or community; it’s fairly common for it to be socially acceptable, but it’s not universal

Pretending you have to go to the bathroom:

At a long seder, most people will excuse themselves to use the bathroom at least once
If you take a break for about that amount of time, that’s what people will assume you were doing
(You can also actually go to the bathroom even if you don’t need to use it – bathrooms can sometimes be a good place to take a break from sensory overload since people will usually leave you alone for a few minutes if you’re in the bathroom)

Options if you can’t take breaks or taking breaks doesn’t help enough:

Get oriented:

Sometimes sensory overload is caused as much by disorientation as by sensations
One way to become more oriented is to think through in advance what’s likely to happen
If you feel like stuff is more predictable, it’s likely to be less overwhelming and sensory stuff might be easier to manage
If this is a seder you’ve been to before, it might help think about what usually happens. Who will be there? How do they usually act? Who will ask the four questions?
It also might be a good idea to look through the hagaddah. Here’s one online.
If you’re feeling overloaded during the seder, it’s worth considering the possibility that you have become disoriented
If you look through the haggadah, figure out where you are in the seder, and how much is left, it might help you to become more oriented and less overloaded
It may also help to use a visual schedule, which shows you at a glance what to expect and in what order. Here’s one you can print, organized by cup.

Using solid objects to ground yourself:

If you’ve become really overloaded or disoriented, sometimes grabbing hold of something solid can help a lot
If you’re at a seder, the most readily available solid thing is likely to be the table
If there’s someone present you trust who is ok with it, holding someone’s hand can help a lot too in ramping down overload

Sit in a less overloading place in the room:

Sitting on the edge of the room is likely to be less overloading than sitting in the middle
Sitting on the end or near the end of a table is likely to be less overloading than sitting between several people
Sitting near the door is likely to be less overloading (especially if you get overloaded from feeling trapped)
If there are florescent lights in the room, it helps to pay attention to whether one of them is flickering
If you’re already overwhelmed going into the room, you might not notice right away, even though it will bother you later. If flickering lights bother you, it’s worth making a point of checking to see if the light is flickering when you decide where to sit
If the room is likely to be very loud, you might be more comfortable if you use ear plugs. You can get disposable ones for cheap at a pharmacy

Stimming:

Some people can stop overload by moving in certain ways
Most people can at least mitigate it a little
Rocking back and forth can help a lot (and it’s not that weird in a lot of Jewish settings, particularly if there are a lot of religious people present.)
If you have stim toys that usually work for you, it might be a good idea to bring them
If you’re worried about stigma, it might work better to use different things
(That said, if a room is crowded and noisy and overloading, it’s very likely that no one is actually looking at you)
If you wear rings or bracelets, you can play with them
You can also play with the silverware if the seder isn’t extremely formal. You probably won’t be the only one.
You can also stim with the haggadah. (by holding it in your hands, flipping the pages, looking through it, or even reading it.)
If you have a water bottle with a stem you can chew the stem
(You can also eat stuff as a way of getting to chew to reduce overload. If you do that with stuff like celery rather than stuff like chicken it’s less likely to make you uncomfortably full)
You might be able to bring seder-themed stim toys to use, particularly if you bring enough to share. (For instance, if you bring out plastic frogs for the ten plagues, probably no one will think twice about you continuing to play with them)

Participating actively also might help to handle overload:

Sometimes it can be less overloading to participate in something than to be passively present while something is happening
This isn’t true for everyone, but it’s true for a lot of people
For instance, if people are singing loud songs and it’s overloading, you might be more physically comfortable if you sing the songs too
(This doesn’t work for everyone, but it works for some people)
If it’s a big seder and people are going on and on and you’re overloaded, ignoring what’s going on and reading the haggadah might work. (In that setting, you’re probably not going to be the only one doing that.)
Asking questions and arguing might be less overloading than being in the room while other people are doing that

Talking to people might also be an option:

If social anxiety is contributing to overload, having successful conversations might help
Here’s a post about how to have conversations at family gatherings (which is broadly applicable for other settings too)
Here’s a post about how to deal with people who pick fights (post was written for someone who asked about Christmas; it’s also applicable to any holiday gathering)
If you’re a student and you’re going to a communal seder at a college, this post on identifying common interests among students might help

Short version: Passover seders can be really overloading. Scroll up for some ideas about how to deal with that.

Things to do on Christmas if you don’t want to celebrate it

December 24, 2014June 10, 2021 Real Social Skills

For those who don’t celebrate Christmas, the 25th of December can be a boring, annoying, or lonely day in Christian-dominated cultures. Almost everything shuts down, and the atmosphere is dominated by a holiday almost everyone else is celebrating that you’re not part of.

Here are some things you can do on Christmas other than celebrate it:

Chinese food:

Chinese restaurants are often open on Christmas
You can go there and eat food

Gatherings unrelated to Christmas:

If you have friends who also don’t celebrate, Christmas can be a good time to hang out
Gathering on Christmas doesn’t have to be a Christmas party

Going to work:

If the place you work is open on Christmas, most people probably want to avoid working
Working on Christmas is a nice thing to do if you don’t celebrate
In some fields, it’s also a relatively quiet shift

Going to a movie:

A lot of movie theaters are open on Christmas
Some of the movies are Christmas-themed, but a lot of them are not

Netflix/Hulu marathons:

Netflix and Hulu both have lots and lots of things to watch
Most of which are not at all Christmas-related
Hulu ads might be, though. If you want to completely avoid Christmas stuff, Netflix is a better option
This can be a good thing to do in a gathering, if you have friends who also don’t celebrate Christmas

Reading books:

Reading a new book is a good way to fill time and be absorbed in something interesting
If you don’t have any books you want to read, here are some ways to get eBooks:
Project Gutenburg has a huge collection of free eBooks that are out of copyright
Oyster Books is an ebook subscription service with a free trial.
Amazon also has an ebook subscription service (but it has a lot of junk and is kind of hard to nagivate).

Wikipedia:

If you’re bored and need something to be interested in, Wikipedia can be a good place to go
If you click the random button enough times, you will probably eventually find a page that interests you

Short version: Christmas can be boring for people who don’t celebrate it since most things shut down on Christmas in Christian-dominated cultures. Scroll up for some suggestions about stuff to do other than be bored.

Deflecting fight-pickers at holiday gatherings

December 23, 2014June 21, 2021 Real Social Skills

A reader asked:

My mother sometimes likes to pick fights at family gatherings, especially meals. She brings up controversial political opinions/things she knows many of us are uncomfortable with (she is fairly ableist, homophobic etc). I will be staying with my parents for Christmas. Do you have any advice on how to deal with this? I have tried just saying ‘I don’t want to argue about this now.’ or leaving the table when I got too uncomfortable but was called rude for doing so.

realsocialskills said:

It might be ok if people call you rude. Sometimes there’s no way to effectively assert boundaries without anyone objecting. Sometimes there’s no way to insist that people stop saying mean things without being somewhat rude. Sometimes putting up with being called rude is more tolerable than putting up with obnoxious and offensive conversation. I don’t know if that’s the kind of situation you’re in, but the possibility is worth considering.

I don’t know who said it first, but I think the most important principle is: You don’t have to attend every argument that you are invited to. The fact that your mother insists on saying offensive things and trying to pick fights doesn’t mean that you have to argue with her about them. You get to decide what you do and don’t want to talk about.

(Especially given that it’s an established rule of polite behavior that at this kind of gathering, one should not talk about controversial topics that are liable to result in unpleasant arguing. But that would be true even if you were not at the kind of gathering where that’s a rule – you don’t have to argue with people who say offensive things unless you want to.)

That said, you might get better results from changing the subject than from leaving or saying that you don’t want to talk about a given topic. (Or you might not. It really depends on your family.)

Changing the subject can be better because:

If you just say you don’t want to talk about the controversial thing, it can give a new hook for arguing.
Then it can turn into an argument about why you’re too PC to listen to the ~obviously-true~ bigoted opinions
Or how you’re rude, or censoring, or ~causing tension~ (the tension is already there; caused by the people who insist on picking fights about offensive things. It’s not your fault. But it will sometimes be convenient to blame you.)
If you introduce a new topic immediately, there’s something to talk about that isn’t a fight
That can sometimes make the path of least resistance talking about the new thing rather than fighting about the old thing

Changing the subject to something your mother consistently wants to talk about that isn’t offensive:

Your mother: These people I’m arbitrarily bigoted against are terrible! My tax dollars shouldn’t be going for this. Why can’t people be decent like they used to be?
You: How are things at work? How are things going with your new client?

Changing the subject to something that other people present want to talk about:

Your mother: These people I’m arbitrarily bigoted against are terrible! My tax dollars shouldn’t be paying for this. Why can’t people be decent like they used to be?
You: Hey, did anyone see the sportsball game last night? How amazing was the ball thrown by that sportsball player on the team that half of you root for and the rest of you hate?

Changing the subject to something a particular person present is likely to want to talk about:

This can work well because it shifts the center of attention to someone else, and most people like attention
If you’re aggressively paying attention to someone who is interested in talking about something non-offensive, it’s much harder for someone to interject with something offensive, or to call you rude

Eg:

Mom: People I’m arbitrarily bigoted against are ruining everything. My tax dollars shouldn’t be paying for that! People used to be decent.
You: David, how are you liking the exciting new thing you just purchased? I’m thinking about upgrading mine, do you think now is a good time?

Sometimes it works better if you explicitly say that you don’t want to talk about the thing while you change the subject:

Your mother: These people I’m arbitrarily bigoted against are terrible! My tax dollars shouldn’t be paying for this. Why can’t people be decent like they used to be?
You: Mom, let’s not talk about politics. It’s Christmas. Your tree is absolutely gorgeous, where did you find those new ornaments?

Short version: Some people like to pick fights by saying offensive things. You don’t have to argue with them if you don’t want to. One way of deflecting the fight is to change the subject. (That doesn’t always work.) Scroll up for more details and scripts.

Celebrating fake holidays

December 12, 2014June 10, 2021 Real Social Skills

Sometimes families can’t get together on holidays or birthdays, even though they want to.

One way of dealing with this is celebrating a fake version of the holiday at a different time.

Eg:

Frances: I can’t get off work for Thanksgiving this year.
Jeremy: Me neither. I really miss you though.
Frances: The airfare is really expensive anyway that week; I couldn’t afford it even if I could get time off then. Want to celebrate fake Thanksgiving the week after instead?
Jeremy: Ok. Can you take care of ordering the turkey? I’ll make the stuffing and pies.

Or:

Susan: I’m sorry I’ll be out of the country all month. Let’s celebrate your fake birthday when I get back?
Heather: Yeah, let’s have a party when you get back.
Susan: Cool, I’ll make you my chocolate cake, and I’ll bring you something awesome.

If you do all of the things you associate with the holiday or a birthday, it might not matter as much that you’re not able to do it, or not able to do it with family/friends on the day itself. Celebrating the fake holiday on a different day doesn’t work for everyone, but it works really well for some people.

Conversations at family gatherings

December 11, 2014June 21, 2021 Real Social Skills

arrowhearts asked:

What are appropriate topics of conversation for family gatherings during holidays? I’ve heard that you’re not supposed to talk about politics or religion, but what can you talk about?

realsocialskills said:

That depends somewhat on your family. “No politics and religion” is a rule that applies in some families but not others. The real rule is “Don’t pick fights, and steer clear of topics likely to result in people getting angry in ways that are likely to damage relationships.“

Or, to put it in more concrete terms: At a family gathering, it’s considered rude to tell someone that they’re going to hell, or that their political views are destroying the world. It’s considered rude to say something that implies that you think someone is going to hell or destroying the world, even if you don’t say so outright. It’s considered polite to be careful to avoid topics that are likely to go in that direction.

For many families, this means avoiding the topics of politics and religion altogether at extended family gatherings. When family members have strongly held conflicting views on politics and religion, talking about those topics can easily lead to fights. For some families, it makes sense to call a truce for the holidays and just get together and eat food and do things that everyone likes.

Fighting on holidays isn’t likely to change anyone’s religious or political views – it just makes the holiday unpleasant. It’s ok to call a truce and fight those battles the rest of the year, when it isn’t a holiday.

Politics and religion aren’t sources of conflict for every family. Some families have largely compatible views, and are able to discuss these things without it turning into a fight. You’re the best judge of how that works in your family.

If you’re in a family in which politics and religion are topics best avoided, there are some other popular topics:

Sports:

I don’t really understand the appeal of sports
But sports fandom is really, really popular
Most families contain a lot of people who like to root for sports teams
And family gatherings often involve watching sports games of some sort
If you like a team or a sport, talking about sports is probably likely to go well

Television shows and movies:

TV shows are a popular topic of conversation
Particularly currently-running popular shows
If you find a show that others in your family watch, or a movie they’ve also seen, you can probably discuss that show
(If your family gathering contains a lot of people who have a religious objection to watching R-rated movies, focus on shows/movies that aren’t sexually explicit or graphically violent)

Work:

People often talk about work at family gatherings, for instance:
Projects you’re working on at work
Funny or awesome things coworkers did
Funny or awesome things customers did

Possessions:

People often like to talk about stuff they have, or stuff they acquired recently
eg: your new iPad, an apartment you moved to, a new brand of rubber bands you discovered that are particularly good at holding bags closed, really soft shirts you just bought
(Be careful about this if you have a lot more money than some members of your family who will be present), bragging about wealth is considered rude

Vacations or other stuff you did:

Families often talk about vacations they went on, or plan to go on
Or some other thing they did recently, for example:
People who ran a marathon will probably talk about that
People who planted a big garden at the school they work at will probably talk about that
(Again, be careful about talking about expensive things if you have a lot more money than many of your family members)

The weather:

Talking about the weather is a cliche because people really do talk about the weather a lot as a way of making conversation
Eg:
“Do you think it’s going to snow?”
“It’s so hot.“
“I like the way the rain sounds on the roof.”
“It’s so much warmer here in Florida than it is in New York.“
“I’m glad Grandma finally installed insulated windows.”

Short version: Talking about politics and religion with people who don’t share your views can end poorly. Family gatherings often contain people who have equal and opposite convictions. In many families, people call a truce for the holidays and avoid those topics. Some other topics to discuss: sports, TV/movies, work, activities you’re involved in, vacations, the weather, and stuff you have and like. (Be careful about discussing expensive things that many of your relatives can’t afford.)

Coming out at Christmas?

December 9, 2014June 21, 2021 Real Social Skills

A reader asked:

I’m planning to come out at Christmas before dinner. How do I do it without it becoming awkward or making the holiday all about me? Also I’m very bad with spoken communication when I’m put on the spot or nervous so I don’t know how to deal with the string of Straight People Questions I might get.

realsocialskills said:

I’m not sure what kind of situation you’re in. I’m assuming that you’re planning to come out as gay, lesbian, or bisexual, that you’re probably not out to any family members, that you don’t currently live with family, and that you’re talking about a big family gathering. Some of this might not apply if I’m getting some of that wrong.

Coming out will probably be at least somewhat awkward, no matter how well it goes and no matter how you do it. Coming out to people who aren’t expecting it is inherently awkward. If you’re not sure whether or not they will react positively, it’s especially awkward. Akwardness isn’t something you are likely to be able to completely avoid. That’s not your fault. It’s a problem with our culture.

That said, making an annoucement at a family gathering is one of the most awkward and risky ways to come out. If you make an annoucement, then you become the center of attention in a group of people whose reactions it might be hard to gauge. Also, at big family gatherings, it’s fairly likely that people will be drinking, and alchohol can greatly magnify bad reactions. For most people, coming out by making an annoucement on a holiday is a very bad idea.

There are other options that might go better:

Coming out casually in conversations with relatives who you think are likely to react well. This allows you to talk like you’re already out, rather than making an annoucement:

If you’ve been closested from family for a long time, you’ve probably been using linguistic tricks (like avoiding pronouns) to avoid outing yourself
One way to casually come out is to stop doing this, and see what happens
Some people will react badly, others will ask questions, others will treat it as no big deal
When this works, it’s the least awkward way to come out

eg:

Aunt Jane: Sarah, are you seeing anyone these days?
Sarah: No, I don’t have a girlfriend right now.

or:

Aunt Jane: Bill, are you still seeing Susan?
Bill: No, we broke up. I’m with Jason these days.

This doesn’t always work, but it can work really well.

Another option: Coming out via email ahead of time:

If you want to let everyone know that you’re gay without having to have a lot of awkward conversations, email has several advantages
If you send an email, you don’t have to be the center of everyone’s attention all at once
People see it when they see it, and react individually if they want to react
Relatives who might have a knee jerk negative reaction will have time to process. Some of them might be less inclined to be mean and more inclined to put family relationships ahead of homophobia if they have time to processes.
Once the actual Christmas gathering arrives, your coming out will be somewhat old news
If anyone has a really horrendous reaction, you will know ahead of time and will be able to take that into account when making your Christmas plans.

Consider coming out to a family member who you trust first:

It will be a lot easier and more comfortable if you know that someone is on your side
The most reliable way to be sure of this is to come out to someone you trust ahead of time
In particular, if you have a gay relative, it’s worth telling them that you’re gay too and asking for perspective on how to handle things.
But even if you don’t. If you’re relatively sure that one of your relatives will treat you well when you come out, it’s worth coming out to them first so that you won’t be alone at the gathering.

If you think you need to come out in person by making an annoucement rather than some other way, consider doing it closer to the end of the gathering.

If you make an annoucement early in the gathering and it goes badly, then you still have the rest of the gathering to get through
If you come out later in the event, the stakes are lower
(Eg: after dinner is likely better than before dinner)

If you can, have somewhere to go:

If you’re staying with family at a big family gathering, that can get really overwhelming really quickly
Especially if they’re homophobic
Especially if things get awkward after you come out
If you have friends who live nearby, it could be a really good idea to make plans to spend time with them. (Or, to have that as a backup plan for if things go badly).
If you don’t, spending time with friends online is likely to be important. So, if you can, make sure you have reliable access to an internet-connected device while you’re at the gathering.

Short version: Coming out is likely to be awkward no matter how you do it. This is not your fault. Coming out by making an annoucement at a family holiday gathering is probably a bad idea. Coming out more casually or emailing ahead of time might be a better idea. It helps if you identify supportive people ahead of time.

This Halloween, don’t be a jerk

October 28, 2014June 11, 2021 Real Social Skills

On Halloween, some people end up being really mean to other people, sometimes unintentionally and sometimes on purpose.

Some considerations for avoiding being a jerk:

Not everyone likes to be startled or scared:

Scaring people is a major part of Halloween tradition, and it’s ok to like it
But it’s also ok not to like it
And it’s wrong to scare or startle people who don’t like to be scared
Being scared when you don’t want to be is really, really unpleasant
It can also be physically or psychologically dangerous for a lot of people.
If you know someone doesn’t like to be scared, don’t scare them
If you don’t know whether someone likes to be scared, don’t scare them
If you think someone likes to be scared and it turns out they don’t, apologize and don’t do it again
If scaring people is really really important to you, consider working or volunteering at a haunted house, or making your own haunted house.
Scaring is ok, but it needs to be consensual

Don’t wreck people’s stuff:

Some people like to smash jack-o-lanterns or other decorations, sometimes at the end of the night
This is a mean thing to do, especially because some people, particularly children, get really emotionally attached to their decorations
(Especially if they have put a lot of work into creating them)
Some people might try to convince you that it’s just the done thing and that it doesn’t really upset anyone, but they’re wrong
Breaking people’s stuff is mean
If you want to smash pumpkins, get your own pumpkins to smash

Don’t be a jerk to people who don’t participate in trick or treating:

Most adults who live in areas in which kids trick or treat are happy to participate
It’s a good thing to do, but it’s not something anyone is obligated to do
Some adults don’t participate, and that’s ok
They might not be able to afford to buy candy
They might not be able to get up so much or tolerate constant interaction/doorbell ringing.
Halloween might be against their religion
They might not want to participate for any number of other reasons
That’s a legitimate choice, no matter why they don’t do it
Some people punish people who don’t participate by egging or tping their house, or banging out the door over and over.
Those are really mean things to do. Don’t do it.
Trick or treating requires consent, and it’s not ok to be mean to people who don’t participate

Just, generally speaking – if something would normally be mean, it’s mean on Halloween. If something would normally require consent, it requires consent on Halloween. Don’t be a jerk.